Emergency Fried Breakfasts Dropped On Greece

AID organisations are parachuting emergency fried breakfasts into Greece after a tour operator’s collapse left thousands of Britons stranded without proper bacon.

The demise of holiday firm Goldtrail left 16,000 UK tourists stuck in Greece and Turkey with the vast majority already having had quite enough of foreign food by that point, if it’s alright with you.

Charities said the pretend breakfasts provided by the hotels consisted of little more than cereal and yoghurt served buffet-style with some funny looking bread, a slice of cheese and a selection of weirdly-flavoured jams.

Trapped tourist, Bill McKay, said: “Having already eaten the saltiest parts of my own right arm, I had been considering the nuclear option of foreign bacon.

“They call it bacon but it’s not really. I mean you can call a tiger a horse but that doesn’t mean you could safely jump on its back and ride it over a hedge.”

The emergency fried breakfasts included two rashers of smoked bacon, two eggs, beans, fried bread, mushrooms and a sausage of above-school dinner quality.

A spokesman for UK relief charity, InstaAid, said: “The operation has been a success despite one serious injury involving a Hercules transporter, a goatherd and a wayward black pudding.”

Stranded mother-of-two, Donna Sheridan, said: “These breakfasts have been a godsend. I was glad to see the sausages weren’t the really cheap ones that are slightly grey and have a sort of foreskin.

“I think next year we’ll probably just ruin other people’s holidays in the UK.”

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UK To Ban Uncovered Frenchmen

ALL Frenchmen in the UK will have to wear a bucket on their heads or be moved around in a box, the government will confirm today.

In a bid to de-integrate Britain’s French population, all males will be stripped of their right to be seen uncovered in public, while heavy fines will be imposed on anyone who tries to remove a Frenchman’s head-bucket.

The Home Office stressed that the extent of the covering will depend on the intensity of the individual’s Frenchness.

The moderately French will wear a light woollen balaclava, allowing them to interact almost normally with non-French people of both sexes.

Traditional Frenchmen must wear either the bucket, or a nylon jacket with a fur-lined hood that is zipped all the way up, leaving only a small ‘tunnel’ for the wearer to see out of. The Home office estimates that around 60% will wear the padded garment, also known as the ‘parka’.

Meanwhile those who adhere to a strict form of Frenchness created by former Eurtotrash presenter Antoine de Caunes will be wheeled around in a full-length plywood box with an airhole in the top and a slot for shovelling in their thrice-daily ration of sautéed chicken rectums.

Immigration minister, Damian Green, said: “It’s very difficult to interact with a Frenchman when you can see his whole face.

“When you are talking to him, you don’t want to be able to gauge his indifference, his baffling sense of superiority or have even the slightest hint at the disgusting thoughts that are constantly flitting back and forth across his oily, goose-obsessed brain.”

He added: “And let’s not forget that Britain needs to work its way out of recession. People simply do not have time to be throwing up all day because some dirty Frenchman has breathed at them.”