Subscribe

Even I have my twat limits, says Musk

ELON Musk has confirmed that he may be a world-class twat but leaving Kyiv defenceless against missile attacks is beyond even him.

The world’s richest man admitted he runs a social network solely to incite race war and cut the US government to pieces for fun, but denies any responsibility in shutting down Ukrainian missile defences out of spite.

He said: “I think Ukraine should get a new president simply because I don’t like Zelensky’s smug face. However, I’m not involved in this particular act of f**kery.

“As political observers know, my attempt to play a key role in Trump’s administration ended with me being out-twatted by the man himself, and I fear much the same has happened here.

“I consider myself an evil genius, like a deeply cringe Bond villain, but it’s genuinely humbling to see how much devastation Trump can cause by being unintelligent, self-absorbed and viciously vengeful.

“So no, this one is not on me. Just putting that one out there for the Tesla shareholders. Which isn’t to say I don’t admire the sheer pettiness of it.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin said: “Elon is a dickhead, but a world-class dickhead? No. You can’t honestly put him up there with me, Donald and Bibi.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

M&S follows crotchless underwear with quiche with tits

MARKS & Spencer is following up its new sexy underwear range with an erotic revamp of its popular food products.

After opting to sell suspender sets and crotchless panties, the supermarket feels highly sexualised food items are what typical middle-class female customers in their 50s want.

Marketing director Nathan Muir said: “Our famous quiche Lorraine will now have 36D breasts, erotically sculpted from creamy egg custard and maple-cured bacon with a cherry tomato nipple.

“For too long food at gatherings has suffered from a lack of overt sexuality, and if male customers want to find another personal use for a quiche with two large, firm breasts, no one is judging their sexual choices. But maybe don’t eat that bit.

“Fans of our ready meals won’t be disappointed either, as lasagnes and cottage pies will now feature a vagina designed by British artist Tracey Emin from a cast of her own fanny. Percy Pigs, meanwhile, will now be fully engorged.”

Stores are already reporting a downturn in sales, but Muir said: “This happens every time we try to be trendy twats and alienate our traditional customer base, but the publicity might be worth it. It’s hard to tell.”

M&S shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not against sex, but I don’t want a child’s birthday cake called Colin the Cock. Now I’ve got to get one of those lame copies with a name like Lucas the Larva.”

Next story ›