WANT to take your influencer videos to the next level by completing your bucket list while balls-deep in your lady? Don’t. I tried and I botched all my life goals:
Death-defying rollercoaster
We began by riding The Smiler, the Alton Towers rollercoaster with a world-beating 14 loops, while pleasuring each other by hand. But the repeated inversions disorientated my girlfriend so much she gripped my cock until it went blue then all but pulled it out by the root. I almost passed out from the pain. The official photo was deleted.
Diving with sharks
The thrill of coming face-to-face with an apex predator underwater was a lifelong ambition. And erotically thrilling. But wetsuits zip open at the back, and even when I managed to tear a hole in the front of mine and mimed to my partner to fellate me between breaths it wasn’t a success. And we’re banned for life from the Blue Planet Aquarium.
Climbing Everest
Reaching the summit of Mount Everest was a once-in-a-lifetime achievement, but I had to go and ruin it by getting fanny at 29,031ft. Diverting valuable blood from my brain to my erection gave me altitude sickness, the droop, and I had to trail my shame back through 200 angry rival climbers across the Khumbu Icefall.
Tracking gorillas
It was truly humbling being in the presence of endangered mountain gorillas in Bwindi Impenetrable National Park. We were instructed on various body language dos and don’ts, none of which prohibited doing my girlfriend doggy-style while in close proximity while a silverback watched on. It was touch and go, but I managed to finish.
Vertical camping
A night under the stars dangling from the sheer vertical granite rock face of Yosemite’s El Capitan in a tent 3,000 feet up? Talk about turn-ons. Except it did begin lurching alarmingly and we both slowed our thrusting to the point it was purely nominal and I was attempting to reach orgasm just by thinking hard.
Tornado chasing
I convinced my girlfriend to chase tornados in Kansas in a VW camper van. We parked up when we saw a big twister, but in hindsight I shouldn’t have initiated oral. Apparently the van flipped 13 times and the paramedics were unable to confirm whether or not my girlfriend had climaxed. I like to think she had. I suppose we’ll never know.
Zero-gravity flight
The ultimate bucket-list activity: weightlessness in a diving converted Boeing 727. Obviously I was doing it solo but I thought I’d just chat up a girl on the flight. None were keen and one recognised me from the news about the tornado tragedy. I fiddled with myself for 30 seconds, didn’t come, and it didn’t even feel like someone else was doing it.
