Greece declared fictional

GREECE is not a real place and its debts were just a dream all along, it has been agreed.

The Eurozone crisis, which looked set to trigger a transcontinental meltdown within the next few days, has been explained as ‘a thrilling story like in the Bourne films’.

European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “Greece? Nobody has been taking that old fairy story for real, have they?

“Perhaps there once was a real Greece, but long ago it sank beneath the waves. The only Greece that exists now is of the imagination, a land of capering satyrs and bull-headed men in labyrinths. It is no more real than Oz or Narnia.”

He added: “Any suggestion that a magical land owed us 330 billion euros without which we would go bankrupt is ridiculous. See, the money is still there in our accounts.”

Tom Logan, from Cambridge, said: “I did think when I was watching Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, that it was a complete load of made-up bullshit.

“It also means I can stop worrying about that bloke I ran over in Corfu in 2003.”

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Chris Evans combing through giant address book of knobheads

NEW Top Gear presenter Chris Evans is trying to decide which of his sycophantic pals will join him as co-presenters. 

The retro 90s star faces the mammoth task of assessing thousands of gits and arseholes before deciding on the two who will display him to best advantage.

Evans said: “It was easy for Clarkson, because he’s only ever had two friends, although Hammond is more of a pet.

“But, as a famous fuckstick of more than 20 years standing, I’m literally knee-deep in bootlickers desperate to claim the humiliating position of my sidekick.

“Jay Kay? Tim Westwood? Rowan Atkinson? Who to choose?”

More than 6,000 of Evans’s contacts who are good at driving, funny, attractive or capable of having conversations with women have already been ruled out, leaving roughly 8,000 names to check.

He added: “It needs to be someone who’ll accept being unimaginatively demeaned and degraded by a sneering egomaniac week after week for even the most glancing acquaintance with fame.

“So it’s basically Geri Haliwell and one other.”