Illuminati celebrate election victory

BARACK Obama’s victory has brought the tyrannical New World Order a step closer, according to the Illuminati.

Just hours after his re-election, Obama was taken in a black helicopter to Illuminati headquarters where he was greeted with applause and a banner saying ‘Way to go, mind-control puppet!’

An Illuminati spokesman said: “This is a great moment for America, or as it will soon be known, Population Containment Area 2.

“With Obama back in power we can continue our secret project to enslave humanity and put Illuminati symbols in obscure places where they will only be noticed by conspiracy wingnuts.

“We’ll probably force everyone to be tattooed with a barcode too, although that’s less of an issue now that all their personal details are on Facebook.”

Obama has dismissed the Illuminati’s existence as “conspiracy theory nonsense”, saying he wanted to concentrate on real issues such as the economy, healthcare and compulsory microchips for all Americans.

He said: “My proposal to make ownership of tin foil a capital offence has nothing to do with its microwave-blocking properties. I just happen to think clingfilm keeps your sandwiches fresher.”

Democrat voter Carolyn Ryan said: “As a liberal, I’m a bit disappointed that a vote for Obama was a vote for a secret network of concentration camps to exterminate undesirable elements in society.

“Still, anything’s better than Romney. Four more years!”




Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

God ignores idiots

GOD has ignored the fervent prayers of idiots, allowing Barack Obama to be re-elected as President.

Despite Mormon fasts, the efforts of Billy Graham and countless “pray-ins” urging Him to delivery victory to Mitt Romney, God refused to listen.

Indeed, He went so far as to part the clouds over Texas and bare his backside over the state, a gesture some theologians interpreted as a sure sign of His scorn. There were also reports of heavy monsoons of urine in several ‘red’ states.

God, addressing mortals directly for the first time since the Old Testament via a celestial Tannoy system, said: “You Bible Belt pinheads have got starvation, war and global warming down there and now you want Mitt Romney too?

“I don’t do anything about any of that other stuff so why the hell do you think I’d help you out on this one?

“If it’s not this, it’s the gays. Hey, I created them. I figured, throw in about ten percent of them, break up the sexual monotony.

“Now leave me alone.”

Dallas preacher Joseph Turner said: “As ever, God’s message is ambiguous and full of hidden meaning.

“Especially the words ‘FUCK OFF!’ written in a 400 ft-high fiery letters in the sky. It must be an allegory for something.”