Romney raised by impala

MITT Romney was born in Kenya and raised by beasts, it has emerged.

According to Kenyan tribal elders, the Republican candidate’s parents were on safari in East Africa when their jeep crashed and a pregnant Mrs Romney gave premature birth to a son.

A rogue giraffe immediately stole the child and bore him deep into the savannah.

Raised by a herd of impala, Romney learned the predatory ‘downsize or be downsized’ ways of the animal kingdom which would set him in such good stead when working at Bain Capital.

Eventually, aged 45, Romney was reunited with his family. His ‘wilderness name’ Mitotonga was shortened to Mitt.

Romney scholar Tom Booker said: “After a further 20 years, with intensive therapy, Mr Romney has learned the very basic ability to bond with other human beings by blinking hard, waving stiffly and appearing to agree with whatever they say.”

Donald Trump said: “Mr Romney’s African descent is no obstacle to him becoming president. Indeed, it is a boon.

“During his time as Lord of the Jungle he achieved real change and privatised a number of watering holes.”



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'Crowd-funding' site connects dickheads with idiots

A NEW ‘crowd-funding’ website,, allows dickheads with stupid ideas to get money from idiots.

The site is already awash with infuriating ‘creative’ business ideas, from selling ‘contemporary lemonade’ out of a WW2 Sherman Tank, to a post-apocalyptic tea room run by otters.

A spokesman said: “When you put dickheads and gullible idiots together, something magical happens – an exchange of money.

“We’re showcasing the facile, pretentious, economically-absurd ideas of a new generation of knob-ends.

“People who can’t get money from conventional banks because their schemes are fucking ridiculous and also they’re 35 and still live with their mum.”

Utter dickhead Julian Cook, who prefers to be called ‘Chip’, is pitching for £350,000,000 to fire a cheesecake into space.

He said: “My business Space Cheesecake is a radical vision of pointlessness. I haven’t finished writing the sales spiel yet but it will mention ‘eco-powered’, ‘interactive’ and use the phrase ‘above all, it’s about fun’.

“I’m also pitching an idea where money gets liquified in a special blender, I then drink it and literally piss it away.”