Pippa Middleton presents Copulate

The Daily Mash presents an exclusive extract from Pippa Middleton’s new book Copulate, an unpretentious guide to organising a night of perfect intercourse.

Sex, also known as porking, rodding or boning, is such good fun. I learned about it in the kitchen of my local pub, and after years of practice I am now regularly complimented on my technique.

To begin, take off all your clothes

When I’m in an older, draughtier house like Buckingham palace, I usually leave on my fleece gilet for an alluring yet practical look. (Top tip – fold clothes neatly and place in a Waitrose bag to avoid problems with wayward bodily fluids.)

Invite one or more friends over

The best way to do this is by telephone. However, if you wish to request sex from more than one person, why not compose a text that can be sent to all the people in your contacts list. Be careful you don’t accidentally send it to Prince Philip.

Now you’re ready to have sexual intercourse! 

Where you have your sex is entirely up to you. Many people say the most comfortable place is the bed, but I have it on good authority that private jets, party shops and state rooms are also suitable. If you’re intercoursing on the carpet, perhaps put down a plastic sheet.

A handful of swan fat can help things go smoothly

Alternatively, in the event of discomfort just focus on naming all the old members of your lacrosse team. Do this in your head  – your male sex partner will be quite alarmed if they hear you calling him Muffy and Bitsy! (Top tip – a napkin ring can be used to sustain engorgement.)

When your intercourse partner says “ummmmarrghhh! uunnnnngggg!” you have completed your sex

When finished, thank your partner. It’s traditional to give them a kiss on the cheek. Alternately, the Party Pieces website has lots of post-sex gift ideas – perhaps a tablecloth or a thoughtful ‘Thanks for the Sex’ card. Once the sex has ended, you can ask your partner if they’d like to schedule some more intercourse at a later date, but this is not a social necessity.

 

 

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X Factor contestants being sold as meat

STRUGGLING music mogul Simon Cowell is hoping to bolster revenue by turning pop hopefuls into food.

As the X Factor’s ratings plummet, Cowell has invoked Clause 4,356,495 in the Contestant Agreement, stating that he owns ‘all their moving parts including flesh and innards’.

Last weekend’s evictee Kye Sones was the first contestant to emerge from the X Factor pop-meat processing plant as 200 ‘X Factor Talent-burgers’.

A SyCo spokesman said: “Just as we promised, Kye has left this competition completely transformed.

“If you thought he sounded good, he tastes unbelievable.”

X Factor meat products’ packaging is printed with the contestant’s heart-rending back story, as well as nutritional information.

In an effort to sustain SyCo revenue, hastily-organised mass auditions are being held around the country, with thousands of hopefuls queueing to be pushed into a vast, whirring grinder by Dermot O’Leary.

23-year-old auditionee Tom Logan said: “In a way it’s even better than being a pop star.

“When you’re a pie or burger, you literally become one with your fans and stay with them for the entire digestive process.”