Israel and Hamas predict different result from doing same thing

THE conflict between Israel and Hamas can be resolved as long as both sides keep doing the same thing over and over again, it has been claimed.

The Gaza and Tel Aviv governments both explained how logic dictated that continually firing bombs at each other would at some point result in a totally different outcome.

A Hamas spokesman said: “Eventually our rocket attacks will not provoke indiscriminate air strikes.

“In fact, we think it is only a matter of weeks before the Israelis thank us and invite us to marry their lovely daughters.”

An Israeli government spokesman said: “Surely the laws of nature mean that at some point Hamas will realise how fantastic our air strikes really are and want to be our friends?

“Or is there something about blowing people to smithereens that we just don’t get? It seems unlikely.”

He added: “We spent a lot of money on these bombs. Are you saying they’re defective?”

Meanwhile, UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon called for a ceasefire adding: “If I suspect for one second that you pair of bastards are actually enjoying this you’ll have to answer to the General Assembly of the United Nations.

“Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”


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Derren Brown briefly awakens England cricketers

ENGLAND started their fight back against India after being released temporarily from a Derren Brown hypno-spell.

The side had spent the previous three days stumbling around the pitch as Brown clicked his fingers and made them eat raw onions and pretend to be hummingbirds.

India, played by a set of unconvincing actors, had been instructed to absolutely batter England around the pitch continuously while the sex-bearded illusionist smiled and whispered directions to them from the commentary box.

Alistair Cook, England’s head stooge, said: “As I walked from the pavilion yesterday I was convinced I was an 18th Century farmer surveying my crops when I noticed a man hurtling toward me with what I initially thought was a beetroot.

“Then it suddenly struck me – ‘oh fuck, it’s cricket’.

“But today I’m so very, very tired once more and it all now seems like a half forgotten memory.”

He added: “So am I an 18th Century farmer dreaming he’s a cricketer, or a cricketer dreaming he’s an 18th Century farmer? All I know is that I have an overwhelming desire to avoid travelling to Australia.”

Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “This test has been like the film Awakenings but starring people who are not as good at cricket as Robert De Niro and Robin Williams.”