ISRAEL and Palestine last night signed a hastily arranged peace deal in a desperate bid to prevent a visit from Hillary Clinton.
Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni, and the leaders of Hamas and Fata made a video conference call to Mrs Clinton stressing there was absolutley no need for her to get involved when she becomes Secretary of State.
Livni said: "Everything's fine. These guys are a hoot, I love them. We're actually thinking about going skiing together."
With her Palestinian counterparts nodding vigorously in the background, Livni added: "So there's really no need for you to come here at all. Why not try India and Pakistan?"
But last night the Indian and Pakistani governments stressed they were making excellent progress towards a lasting solution and that Mrs Clinton would really be wasting her time.
A Pakistani government spokesman said: "Loving the Indians. Nice people, helluva cricket team. Perhaps Mrs Clinton should focus on Africa."
Within half an hour the governments of Sudan, Rwanda, Zimbabwe and the Democratic Republic of Congo produced a joint statement pledging to solve their respective conflicts and stressing they did not want Mrs Clinton to pack a suitcase for no reason.
A Sudanese government spokesman said: "It's all good here. Never better. Darfur? Darfun more like. Seriously we're fine, go and talk to Russia."
A Kremlin spokesman said last night: "Don't even think about it, you annoying cow."