Kanye West sweeps all 50 US states

THE presidential race has suffered a major upset after rapper Kanye West won an electoral landslide. 

Donald Trump and Joe Biden failed to pick up a single state after Kanye swept to victory on both coasts, the South and the Midwest, taking control of the Senate, the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court.

Polling expert Nate Silver said: “I guess both the Democrats and Republicans chose to put their focus on policies and personalities, while forgetting that Gold Digger f**king slaps.

“Ultimately, it seems, the pundits overlooked the fact that the run from 2004’s The College Dropout to 2016’s The Life Of Pablo is unparalleled in hip hop, and even Jesus Is King is pretty good once you get over it being Christian.

“Perhaps if the other candidates had focused on being a leading beatmaker and producer or running a multi-million dollar fashion line they could have competed. But probably not.”

West, who took to the balcony at the White House to announce he can levitate, that he will cure coronavirus with the power of his mind and that overnight he has made key breakthroughs in the field of quantum physics, has been hailed as a welcome return to grounded reality for the office.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Why I quit my job to make money telling you to quit yours

by aspiration doula Eleanor Shaw

I FOUND freedom and unleashed a creativity I never knew I had by quitting my office job, and now I think you should pay me to tell you that you can too. 

I was earning six figures a year. So how did I find the courage to walk away from that to find a calling that speaks to my passions and true purpose, soliciting easy money from the credulous?

You’re probably thinking I have some kind of family money to fall back on, and I do. But my inheritance and mortgage-free house aren’t the only reasons for my fearlessness. I’ve also never suffered consequences.

I quit my job because I was empty, tired and uninspired. I knew my life could and should be more like the one you see in adverts for Italian beer.

Walking away from everything I knew was scary. Not as scary as it will be for you because of my many safety nets. More of a thrilling scary.

And so I’ve designed a course to help guide you towards a life full of words like ‘abundance’ and ‘authenticity’, available online so that you can benefit from it wherever you are, and I can benefit financially.

The content is as yet unspecified, but I’ll call it ‘a journey’ rather than ‘a course’ and rest assured you will be soul-searching via the medium of a journal and I will be checking my Paypal account via the medium of my tablet.

We are all on this earth to find our purpose, and mine is getting you to pay me to inspire you to do something any sane adult would discourage. What are you waiting for? Change your life today.