An Englishman's home is his prison, and other proverbs for the Brexit-Covid era

OUR lives have changed, and so have the pathetic little life lessons we use in small talk. Try these 21st-century homilies: 

An Englishman’s home is his prison

Proud Englishmen marching around their garden flagpoles in their garden for their daily exercise, forbidden to leave, only allowed to see family through screens: are we not all now masters of our own prisons? Except in prisons they smoke Spice and we only have drink.

A lockdown in time saves nine

Not nine lives, but nine more lockdowns. At the rate of two per year, we’re due another eight lockdowns and another 200-300 government U-turns before this pandemic is over.

Serving food spoils the child

Free food for children will only teach them they deserve to exist even if their parents have made bad choices, like jobs in the hospitality industry. They’ll only lead Britain into a bright new technological future if they’re hungry.

Vote in haste, repent at leisure

Bendy bananas, imperial measurements and blue passports all seemed great things to vote for, but apparently there’s a downside. Boris is a total legend as unsuited to battling a pandemic as Freddie Flintoff would be. And plenty of time to enjoy it.

If you don’t mask you don’t get

Security telling you to piss off when you try to enter Home Bargains maskless? Not listening to your rotating selection of whiny excuses including ‘My grandfather fought and died so we wouldn’t have to wear masks’ and ‘The string hurts my ears’?

A problem shared is a problem exponentially growing

Some burdens are best shared with others. The novel coronavirus, it turns out, isn’t one of them. 

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Nobody honestly believes the twat won't win

US polls have found that Joe Biden is leading by six points, has a nine-in-ten chance of sucess, and not one person truly believes that. 

A Democrat victory is widely expected by nobody despite all the evidence pointing to it, because they all remember what happened the last f**king time.

Pollster Nathan Muir said: “I would put my shirt on a Biden victory. Conversely I’ve put a grand on a Trump victory because when it inevitably happens at least I get paid.

“The president is unfit for office, has no achievements, has demonstrably caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands, and is deteriorating mentally at a rapid rate. He’s got this one in the bag.

“Sure, the polls, but polls lie. They make you complacent. Not that I think record voter turnout means anything but victory for the atomic tangerine arsehole who openly hates half the country.”

Democrat Will McKay of Ohio said: “I tried to imagine Biden could win. It hurt me.”