Thursday, 15th April 2021

'Can I still go to raves, travel abroad, and hook up with strangers?' asks f**kwit

AN utterly clueless f**kwit has asked a series of moronic questions about how they can behave under England lockdown.

Contemptible cretin Ryan Whittaker was left scratching his head after having the four-week lockdown rules explained to him in the simplest terms humanly possible.

Whittaker said: “Ok, so, non-essential shops shut, pubs close, and I have to stay at home, but can I get on a plane to Berlin and go to a warehouse rave? Nothing in the rules pacifically says I can’t.

“It’s all no mixing indoors this and outdoor recreation encouraged that, which leaves a lot of wiggle room. Like, can I break into the gym to use the equipment or is that ‘illegal’ all of a sudden?”

“Does it count as a business meeting if Fat Nick owes me 20 quid? Can I get off with a Welsh lass if she wanders across my garden? They need to spell out every single thing I’m not allowed to do anymore. Mentioning me by name.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I thought the penny finally dropped when I told Ryan the rules with the help of sock puppets, but then he crumpled up his notes in a rage and asked if he could still snort coke in nightclub toilets.

“I told him to just do what he did in the first lockdown. Turns out he got Covid and got fined.”