Saturday, 5th December 2020

Farage launches Why Don't I Just F**k Off? Party

NIGEL Farage is making an electoral comeback with a party dedicated to finally making him f**k off permanently.

The former UKIP leader has failed to be elected as an MP seven times but believes he can finally make Parliament with policies focused on making his smug, gobby, xenophobic, arsehole self disappear.

Farage said: “Why Don’t I Just F**k Off? has a raft of policies ranging from marooning me on a desert island, firing me into deep space or locking me in a Qatari prison. And these policies are incredibly popular.

“They’ve been rigorously focus-grouped and they are without doubt what the public want. And I want attention and don’t mind leading crowds in chants of ‘F**k off Farage!’ if that’s what it takes.

“Once I’ve been elected we’ll hold a referendum on whether I’m sentenced to 70 years in a one-man gulag in the Outer Hebrides, or sealed in a cylinder and lowered to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. And believe me, we’ll abide by the result.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I’m slightly concerned that Nigel won’t really f**k off forever, after all the other times, but it’s our only hope. I’ve donated five grand.”