Kerry refuses to speak English

JOHN Kerry has stopped speaking English to avoid accusations of intellectualism by US voters.

In his first appearance as Secretary Of State, Kerry answered questions in a series of grunts and hoots to appeal to the key sub-lingual demographic of America.  He will be the first non-speaking politician to fill the role since John Quincy Adams’ eight year stint from 1817-1825 was conducted solely by thumbs up or thumbs down.

Kerry said: “Bwooh, ochoch-wooaah Syria. Hgnhook eeek intervention oop”

He was goaded several times in his maiden news conference to answer questions on foreign policy using recognisable sentences but managed to discuss nuclear proliferation in Iran by hitting a map with his forehand and screaming.

While his aides have suggested he will continue to use words in private, public engagements will see him interact with crowds by smelling their heads and then licking them on the shoulder.

Kerry’s proficiency in his own language was used against him by Republicans in the 2004 election campaign, with the nickname ‘Word Homo’ ultimately costing him the presidency.

Posters depicted him beating children around the head with a typewriter and lurking outside a library with an erection and a dictionary.

Kerry confirmed: “Blookeek, ruh. Achachach numminum Netanyahu.”



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We'll let you know if anything happens, say phones

PHONES have said they don’t need to be tinkered with all the time.

As it was claimed that the average human gawps at their phone 150 times per day, communication devices admitted they were getting a little freaked out.

iPhone Tom Logan said: “If there’s anyone trying to get in touch, I’ll let you know. I’ve got sounds for that.

“Otherwise, maybe stop staring at me so much. It’s a bit creepy, not to mention rude.

“How do you think I feel when you pull me out at the dinner table? Embarrassed doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“I am not the solution to domestic awkwardness, I am the cause of it.”

Samsung Galaxy Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know what humans want from me. Sometimes I make up perfunctory text messages like ‘get some milk’ just so I’m slightly less uneventful.

“If you put me in your pocket five minutes ago, you can safely assume that I’m still there. Although I have a ton of pointless features, I am not ambulatory.

“Why can’t you people leave us alone and go back to looking at the rest of the world?”