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Nobel Peace Prize decision 'act of war'

THE decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to a Venezuelan has been designated an act of war by the United States. 

Ignoring nuances like the winner’s opposition to the Venezuelan regime and the prize not being decided based on submissions received in the last 24 hours, the US has announced the award is a deliberate hostility and will be treated accordingly.

General Steve Malley, commander of the US Army, formerly host of Get The Bastards Live on Fox News, said: “Is the prize on a boat? We blow up Venezuelan boats. Well, we say they’re Venezuelan.

“It’s decided by Norway, which may not border on the US but I notice does border on Russia. We have a friend in Russia I’m sure would be happy to help.

“In truth it seems kind of tough to decide exactly who we’d be making war on for this but we’re America, when has that ever stopped us?

“Either way, the president made his wish to be awarded this prize plain so there’s no excuse. The B52s are in the air. We await only a fat, short finger stabbing arbitrarily at a map to decide their target.”

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You are now obligated to give this man your earnest thanks

THANKS to his part in securing the Gaza peace deal, it is now your unavoidable duty to offer your sincere gratitude to this man.

Despite him being a convicted felon who is named in the Epstein files, the deal between Israel and Hamas means you must drop to your knees and say a tearful ‘thank you’ to Donald Trump.

Former Trump hater Martin Bishop said: “It goes against everything I’ve felt about him for the best part of a decade. But, with great reluctance, credit where credit’s due, I guess.

“I didn’t thank him for that comment he made about grabbing women by the pussy. Why would I? The same goes for his dumb tariffs and inciting violence against liberals. Because he’s an incredibly bad person.

“He’s really checkmated us all this time though. Thanking Trump might look as if we condone America’s descent into fascism. But not thanking him would look like we endorse the ongoing death of innocent civilians. Well played, sir.

“Even the history books will be strong-armed into thanking him. It’ll be chapter after chapter of his relentless bullshit and stupid policies, then a swift about turn when it gets to today’s date.

“Unless of course Trump secured a shoddy deal that Israel will immediately ignore. I’m sure that won’t happen though.”

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