Teaching Marxism to eight-year-olds: A primary teacher explains how

10th October 2025

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

Now Kayden, can you tell me who owns that table in front of you? Is it yours? No, it isn’t is it, otherwise you’d have to take it home with you every night. Could you carry that? No.

Is it Elsa’s table? No, it isn’t. It isn’t any of yours. It’s shared by all of you because it belongs to the state, which provides it for the greater good. It’s everyone’s table!

Just like it’s everyone’s chairs, and everyone’s whiteboard, and everyone’s crayons. No that doesn’t mean you can take crayons home, Kaylee. You’ve misunderstood and are acting like a capitalist needing re-education in a gulag.

Now, wouldn’t it be better if the state provided everything? Everything would be free to play like Fortnite but other players wouldn’t be able to buy all the K-Pop Demon Hunters skins while you’ve only got an outdated Neymar one. Wouldn’t that be fairer?

That’s what a wonderful man called Karl Marx taught: fairness. And that’s what we all strive for here because in a fair world, everyone can do what they like. No you can’t go to the toilet whenever you want Ruby, that’s anarchism and completely different.

Now not everyone is a Marxist. One of those men is Mister Farage, who you must never vote for. I shall be assigning homework about that to make sure it goes in. Colour in this picture in a way that shows you hate him.

There we are, that’s our lesson all about Marxism! This afternoon is maths, in which we’ll learn that Reform’s figures don’t add up but nice Green Mister Polanski’s don’t have to.

Okay, playtime! Remember, play equipment is assigned from each according to his ability and to each according to his needs! No pushing Willow. We don’t want to give you another show trial.

Emergency flare, £35: Ryanair's extra charges for being in a plane crash

10th October 2025

A RYANAIR jet came within six minutes of running out of fuel, it has emerged. So what extra charges might you face if one of their flights turns into an aviation disaster?

Life raft, £40

If you ditch in the sea you’ll be wanting to make use of one of the plane’s life rafts. And £40 for not drowning and being dead forever is a great deal compared to an unexpected £55 check-in fee at the airport because you didn’t do it online.

Rescue team, £5,500

It’s incredibly expensive sending out search and rescue teams in helicopters to look for crash survivors, and Ryanair needs to make a profit on top of that, so you’ll have to pay accordingly. Although you’re bound to be annoyed if you were only flying in the first place because you’d snapped up a bargain £28 return to Malaga.

Emergency flare, £35

Whether you’re bobbing around in the North Sea or stuck on a mountainside, setting off flares could alert rescuers. But they aren’t cheap, so maybe try climbing down that icy Alpine rock face in pitch darkness before you decide to go over your holiday budget?

Entering a rift in the space-time continuum, £55

Paranormal types often claim missing planes have experienced a time-slip or entered a tear in the fabric of reality. You could argue this costs Ryanair nothing, but you’re still making use of their plane as you tumble helplessly into the Jurassic period or World War II and are shot down by Japanese Zeros.

Oxygen, £12.50

You might think it’s morally wrong to charge suffocating people for oxygen if the plane depressurises, but it’s the only way Ryanair can offer such cheap flights in the first place. You just don’t understand their business model.

Using a fire extinguisher, £80

If there’s a fire in the cabin your first instinct will be to grab a fire extinguisher. These cost a bomb to replace, so hold off removing the pin until you’re sure the fire won’t just go out by itself. Don’t let other screaming passengers take the extinguisher off you. They’re probably just trying to impress everyone by flashing their cash around.

Alien abduction, £15

A popular theory surrounding the missing Malaysian Airways Flight 370 is that extraterrestrials were involved, so look out for UFOs. Even Ryanair can’t justify charging you for Greys subjecting you to an anal probe, but there will be some wear and tear on the airliner from being sucked up in their tractor beam. £15 seems reasonable.

Eating a fellow passenger, £7.50

The 1972 Andes crash survivors famously had to resort to cannibalism. Eating another human being is one of the most agonising moral choices anyone could face, especially if you have to kill them first, but technically Ryanair have provided you with a meal, so it’s the same as a beef lasagne, £7.50.