Now Try It With Ice Cubes In Your Mouth, Gaddafi Tells Brown

COLONEL Gaddafi last night told Gordon Brown that it felt really good, but maybe he could try it with a couple of ice cubes in his mouth.

As the government was forced into a reluctant u-turn on asking Libya to pay compensation for arming the IRA, Gadaffi looked down at the prime minister and gently caressing the top of his head.

The Libyan leader told Mr Brown: “This compensation thing is not really doing it for me, I’m afraid. But enough work chat. Did I mention this article I saw in Cosmo?

“You will need to fetch a few ice cubes and a cup of really hot coffee, but it’s supposed to be amazing. Hurry back.”

Downing Street last night repeated its strenuous denial that the release of the Lockerbie bomber was connected to business deals with Libya, but said the prime minister was unavailable for comment as he was currently suffering from a throat infection.

Gaddafi added: “Yes, that’s the stuff. Not too fast. Oh and by the way, I meant to tell you, it turns out we won’t be much help with the ‘war on terror’ thing.

“It seems that now everyone knows we’re seeing each other none of the terrorists are speaking to me anymore. Oh yeah, that’s it, work the tip. Work it.”

As the prime minister looked up, the Colonel said: “And when I’m ‘finished’ I want you take some of that lovely Libyan oil on the bedside table and rub it slowly into my bum.”



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BBC To Be Moyle-Ified

CHILDREN'S radio presenter Chris Molyes is to approve all of the BBC's output, it emerged last night.

Corporation bosses have asked the DJ to inject his record-breaking personality into every aspect of the BBC's TV and radio programming as part of the ongoing Moyleification of everything in Britain.

Moyles said: "I'm going to sit in on the Today programme for a couple of weeks and interrupt John Humphrys with my observations about Afghanistan, like how come, right, they can't just have a laugh about everything and stuff?

"And that Robert Peston needs to do more stories about whether or not the recession is making women's tits bigger. I think it is."

"I've also asked Sir David Attenborough to start developing a landmark, six-part natural history series called Baboon's Arses."

"There are some really important questions about baboon's arses that have never been answered. Why are they so bald? Do they change colour? And what do baboon farts actually smell like?"

He added: "This morning I have ordered Chris Evans to take over from Terry Wogan and I've texted that Simon Schama about my idea for a show about the history of crisps."

Moyles has also called for a shake-up in the BBC's 250,000 hours a year of antique-based programming including a new show called Benders in the Attic where members of the public will pick up some old poof and then see how much money they can get for him at a car boot sale.

A BBC spokesman said: "You thought it couldn't get any worse, didn't you? Well, it can."