Scotland goes full Scottish

SCOTLAND’S independence referendum has finally caused the country to go full Scottish.

Edinburgh Castle is a fucking prick

With one day of campaigning left, the debate is now focused on millions of red-faced maniacs calling each other bastards.

Across the country ordinary people have poured onto the streets to scream filth at someone, as light aircraft fly overhead trailing banners that feature heavy use of the ‘c-word’.

On the BBC’s evening news programme in Scotland, the presenter referred to SNP leader Alex Salmond as a ‘spunk stain’, but maintained impartiality by comparing Gordon Brown’s latest speech to ‘an ice cream made of shite’.

Julian Cook, a UN election observer, said: “The Yes campaign has now become a grassroots swearing movement, while the No campaigners turned over a desk and told me they are ‘having none of this pish’.”

A Yes campaign spokesman said: “We’ve asked our volunteers to go out today and call 50 people a bastard.”

A No campaign spokesman turned over a desk and added: “Fuck off.”

Cook said: “Luckily Scotland’s not completely obsessed with tribalism, so it should all calm down by Friday afternoon.”


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Cameron lists all the Scottish things he can think of

DAVID Cameron has listed more than 400 Scottish things, including Take The High Road, Finlays Crisps and Runrig.

The prime minister, speaking to an audience of hand-picked grouse farmers yesterday, spoke passionately and without any linking thread.

He said: “To begin with obviously Braveheart, shortbread, tartan, single-malt whisky, McEwan’s lager and the football team Rangers.

“Also Trainspotting, Celtic, Primal Scream, deep-frying things that would not customarily be deep-fried, Irn Bru, Teenage Fanclub and the Loch Ness Monster.

“Not to forget Oor Wullie, the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, Simple Minds, haggis, Gregory’s Girl and the magnificent Highlander.

“And of course Roddy Frame, Macbeth, Dr Finlay’s Casebook, Naked Video, Sawney Bean, Partick Thistle and Fish from Marillion.

“Finally, all-butter tablet, Belle & Sebastian, Grant Morrison, the Dandy, the Jesus and Mary Chain, Culloden, Glencoe, and the Highland Clearances.

“I trust I have won your support.”