Sending a postcard the most pain-in-the-arse thing to do on holiday

MASTERING a foreign country’s postal system to send two sentences to a grandparent you will speak to before it arrives ruins holidays, Britain has agreed. 

The simple request, routinely made by the over-50s, means about four days of hunting down stamps and finding out what a postbox looks like.

Carolyn Ryan, holidaying near Lisbon, said: “Just a postcard. Great.

“Why not booking a train journey, or complaining that the pH of the pool is too high, or signing up for a course of judo lessons, or something easy?

“Instead I’ve got to exercise the conversational Portugese I don’t have by finding out how many stamps to England, then finding a post office, and I’ve got sod all to write about anyway because Mum insists it’s done on day one.

“I could text. She’s just texted me. She said ‘Don’t forget the postcard! Smiley.’”

Mother Anthea Ryan said: “Ten days and it’s not arrived. I don’t know what she’s doing out there! I’ll text.”

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Men with extremely loud motorbikes twats in other ways too

MEN who like to rev ear-splitting motorcycles at night are arseholes in other ways as well, research has found.

The Institute for Studies discovered people who like showing off on powerful motorbikes are not simply ‘bike-mad’ but also enjoy other bellend activities.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Twats who make people jump out of their skins with noisy motorcycles also tend to like The Expendables movies and rugby.

“We also found that the sort of arse who stops you getting to sleep by shrieking past your house at 1am on a 500cc Kawasaki is 75 per cent more likely to have attended a mixed martial arts class than a normal person.

“Even within the sphere of motorcycling most had their own strange and idiotic vocabulary, such as referring to a motorcycle helmet as a ‘skid lid’.

“There was even a high correlation between accelerating crazily in busy traffic and dreary bloke banter such as asking friends whether a new girlfriend was ‘dirty’.”

Motorcyclist Wayne Hayes said: “Opening up the throttle of my high-performance Suzuki is better than sex, which is lucky because women find bike chat quite off-putting.”