Six European city breaks you'll regret going on, by a gammon

PLANNING a city break but unsure which exciting European destination to choose? They’ll all be shit. Norman Steele offers an impartial guide: 


City of light? City of dog shite, more like. Crawling with snooty French who can speak English perfectly well but refuse to. And their much-vaunted cuisine is basically garlic with everything. The Eiffel Tower’s nicked from Blackpool, and you’ll spend two days sat in f**king traffic at Dover because they selfishly won’t waive the Brexit paperwork.


Knee-deep in druggies, tarts, and dickheads on bikes. Built on swamp so it’s full of canals you’re always on the wrong f**king side of, and their cheese has less flavour than ours. Expect to come back with a drug addiction from secondary inhalation and a nasty dose of the clap.


Claims to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world, which is how they distract you while nicking your wallet. Their cathedral wasn’t finished when I first visited in 1984 and won’t be when I die which tells you something about their work ethic. And they don’t even speak Spanish. It’s like Spain’s Cardiff.


Fine if getting a boat to cross the street is your idea of fun. Stinks in summer, too many churches, wildly overpriced, swarming with US tourists too fat for their shorts. Utterly pointless flying all that way when you could just order a Domino’s and eat it out of the box by the local canal.


Overcrowded capital of a country so bone idle they crashed their economy trying to get out of paying taxes. The so-called cradle of civilisation and you can’t even flush loo roll without flooding the bathroom with turds and piss. All their old shit’s fallen down, not like our castles, and the local tipple’s an aniseed-flavoured spirit that’s like Gaviscon for alcoholics.


Why the actual f**k would you? Freezing bloody cold, they jail you for having a beer on the street, and it’s next on Putin’s hit list. Tourist attractions include the oh-so cheery Schindler’s Factory, and a salt mine where they actively encourage you to lick the bloody walls. There’s a Polski Sklep down the road. Fill your basket there and stay home.

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'Accept that you are poorer' says mugger

A MUGGER has told his victim that he simply needs to accept that he is poorer rather than furthering an inflationary spiral. 

After demanding the contents of his victim’s wallet and iPhone 13, Jack Browne informed him that chasing recompense would only worsen the situation on the macro scale.

He explained: “You call the police. They give you a crime number. That’s another unsolved crime on their books, the stats look terrible, they’re hiring more bodies and you’re paying for it in tax. Yeah?

“Then you go running to your insurance. They might pay out but they’re bunging not just your premium up but everyone else’s. And topping up their profits as they go.

“Even rushing to cancel your cashcard has consequences. You’re sending me on a contactless runaround buying stuff I don’t even want, making pizza and trainer shops think their prices are sustainable long-term.

“So you need to face up, accept that this unfortunate consequence which was nobody’s fault has left you poorer, and f**k off now before I get annoyed. Alright?”

Victim Julian Cook said: “He certainly talked raw economic good sense.”