MEN cannot resist touching themselves while watching Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation diatribe, it has emerged.
The movement’s leading maniac was filmed talking about the evils of self-pleasurement in a 1996 TV interview.
And although experts say she has not aged especially well, at the time she looked like Elaine from Seinfeld’s slightly more attractive sister, or Molly Ringwald from Breakfast Club’s slightly less attractive sister.
Now traditional Americans who work damn hard to keep a roof over their family’s heads while disliking homos and science have been compelled to engage in bouts of guilt-heavy onanism while watching the interview on Youtube.
Wholesome patriarch and multiple machine gun owner, Bill McKay, said: “I can’t help but think I’d like to do her in a suitably patriotic setting. Perhaps in a Chevy. At a levy.”
He added: “Since discovering it I’ve been doing the moral equivalent of adultery seven or eight times today. My left eyelid has started drooping.”
Insanely enormous pick-up owner, Joseph Turner, said: “I have these fantasies involving Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, a tub of margarine and the pelvic bone of a brontosaurus.
“It’s the idea that I might subconsciously believe in dinosaurs which troubles me most.”
Political analyst, Roy Hobbs, said: “While I’m certain the rise of the Teapot movement will mean the destruction of humanity in a screaming lake of blood, bones and fire, I can’t stop wanking over terrifyingly right-wing brunettes.
“I just have this instinctive feeling that they would be eye-poppingly filthy.
“They totally would, wouldn’t they? Oh yes.”