Trump-Putin handshake summons Beelzebub as predicted

THE handshake between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin has summoned the Devil, as experts predicted.

Beelzebub, also known as Lucifer or Satan, appeared in our mortal plane as soon as the two men’s skin came into contact at the G20 meeting in Hamburg.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We published a research paper on this last year entitled A Comparative Study of Scenarios for Summoning the Lord of Darkness from the Pits of Hell.

“It was all in there, so perhaps you should maybe have read it?”

Beelzebub said: “I was summoned so I assume I’m needed? Is it the End Times? Or is it just the Dominion of the Seven Goats?

“If not then this has been kind of a waste of my time. I’ve quite a lot of shit going on the moment and I need to get back to it.

“If they are going to meet again can you ask them to wear gloves.”

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May placed on zero-hours contract

THERESA May’s position as prime minister is on a zero-hours contract meaning she does not even know if she will be working next week. 

May was employed full-time until recently, with paid holiday and pension rights, but has seen her role downgraded in light of an uncertain economic future.

She said: “There was a restructure at work – which I was all for – but it ended up with my job being readvertised and I had to apply for it again.

“I got it, but they’ve said they had to rethink the role so now I don’t know what my hours will be from day to day and I’ve ended up doing loads of stuff that I used to get paid for for free.

“They say everyone’s in the same boat, but I can’t plan for the future like this. I can’t even get a proper debit card. I’m on a Visa Electron.”

May added: “They should do something about it. Next election I’m going to vote for that Ed Miliband.”