Trump's 'cognitive ability' normal, he's just a prick, says White House doctor

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.

Dr Ronny Jackson said the President was in very good health for a 71-year-old and that Trump ‘kept going on about it in a way that made him come across as an absolute fucking dick’.

Dr Jackson said: “When I was administering the cognitive test he kept saying that he was going to get the best results ever and I’m thinking, ‘you’re clearly not demented but Christ almighty, you are such a fucking penis, I really hate you’.

“So yeah, he’s basically fine, but still the most appalling person I’ve ever met.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We have a tendency these days to assume people that we don’t like are somehow mentally impaired, when actually the simplest answer is that they are just turds.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Key to successful relationship 'is admitting when your partner is wrong'

THE secret to a successful relationship is knowing when your partner is wrong and making sure they and everyone else know it, experts have confirmed.

Researchers found that taking responsibility for calling out your partner’s mistakes, be they completely minor or slightly less minor but still irritating, makes for a lasting union.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Anyone can undermine their partner, but it’s the consistency of being there – without fail – to point out those everyday mistakes that builds an unbreakable bond.”

Tom and Emma Logan, who have been together for eight years, believe it is their unerring criticism of each other that has kept them together.

Emma said: “I feel a sense of triumph when Tom leaves the fridge open or dumps a wet towel on the bed. I know he’s wrong, he knows he’s wrong, and we both know I’m going to tell at least three of my friends later.

“It’s the little opportunities to tear into him that make me so happy.”

Tom added: “We’ve been through our ups and downs but I always know I can rely on Emma to turn the wrong way out of a car park or overcook a potato.

“I prefer it when there are witnesses, but there is a certain privilege in being the only one to see how incompetent your partner is.”