What are you going to do, send James Bond? says Russia

RUSSIA has reminded Britain that threats to dismantle its spy network carry little weight given the fictional status of our best agent.

The prime minister’s order to shut down the GRU after the Novichok attack is seen as a hollow threat due to James Bond not existing.

A GRU spokesman said: “Bond has saved the world countless times, but in real life we’re not that scared of a single operative who is good at fist fights and knows a lot about alcohol. And is made-up.

“The only real British spies who were any good were the Cambridge Five, but what they excelled at was passing all your secrets to the Soviets. As we say in Russia, ‘Ha ha ha.’

“Meanwhile we have actual spies. Do they have intercourse with sexy girls on the moon? No. Do they carry out missions in the real world while wearing puffa jackets? Yes.

“007 is undoubtedly better than our spies at flying a gyrocopter and shagging, but we prefer our guys to just get on with spying and killing people without all the puns.”

He added: “Okay, Putin does have an underground lair where he sits in a leather chair stroking a white cat. But that’s just a coincidence.”

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What's your pathetic excuse for refusing to commit?

THERE comes a time in every relationship when you have to weasel out of long-term commitment. Here are some excellent lame excuses.

‘I need to sort my head out’

This excuse is ambiguous enough to either mean you have sensitive emotional issues to work through, or you’re a psycho who thinks the ducks in the park are plotting against you. Either way, you’ll be off the hook for a bit.

‘My career has to come first at the moment’

If you’re a human rights lawyer or a scientist working on a cancer cure this excuse definitely has legs. If you work on the cheese counter at Morrisons, you might want to try a different one.

‘My hamster isn’t ready for it’

This works better with kids from an earlier relationship than rodents, but the main thing is you’re respecting the feelings of something small and helpless. Even if it’s hard to gauge their feelings because they’re constantly running round a wheel like an idiot.

‘My horoscope says it’s too soon’

Blaming some invisible external authority is excellent because it’s difficult to argue with. You could also try ‘the Tarot’, ‘my spirit guide’ or simply ‘God’. After a while you’ll probably even start to believe the Lord Himself wants you to shag around.

‘I value my independence too much’

If someone wants you to make it official, chances are you already live together so your precious independence is long gone, but it’s worth a shot. And a lot more considerate than just legging it.