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Elated neighbours agree never to talk to each other again

MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours.

With the summer weather causing more people to have outdoor chats, neighbours are finally confronting the problem by agreeing to pretend the other person literally does not exist. 

Tom Logan of Crewe said: “Every time I see Martin next door we have a weird, stilted conversation that neither of us enjoys. Now we’ve done the right thing and agreed to completely blank each other all the time.

“There’s no tension, just relief. I’ve always suspected Martin is a bit of a knob but I honestly can’t be arsed to find out if he’s alright once you get to know him or has had a difficult life so I should cut him some slack.

“I told him exactly this yesterday, and he said he’d always assumed I was the worst kind of Audi-driving sales wanker, which I very much am. So everything’s cool between us.”

Donna Sheridan of Ipswich said: “Sometimes Elaine next door and I chat over the fence, during which I’m thinking: ‘F**k, make this end, I don’t really know her, I sound like a twat because I’m not great at smalltalk and I’m so self-conscious now I’m struggling to think of banal shit about the weather.’

“Now we’ve agreed to never speak again and say ‘Shut the f**k up, bitch’ if one of us forgets. I don’t think I could ask for a better neighbour.”

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Are you exploring your sexuality or are you just cheating? A quiz

‘EXPLORING your sexuality’ sounds like a worthy attempt to grow as a sexual being, but are you just using it as an excuse to cheat? Take our quiz.

Are you already in a committed, long-term relationship?

A) Yes, we’re prudish childhood sweethearts. I’m owed at least a glance at some different tits in a magazine.

B) I guess? My wife said I am the last time I got caught sleeping around. I told her it was important to explore polyamory.

Where will you be indulging in your sexual awakening?

A) With my partner in our marital bed. We’ll be holding hands and quivering with fear because we usually shag in the dark.

B) In hotels, public bathrooms, their place. Basically anywhere except my house. It’s just too risky to make a highly worthwhile journey into my true sexual self if my wife might come home.

Does your partner know about your sexual exploration?

A) Of course. We communicated effectively in couples therapy about our desire to spice things up in the bedroom by letting her go on top for once.

B) Too much knowledge can be a bad thing, I’ve decided. It would only break her heart to know I’m shagging the sexy co-worker I told her not to worry about, so I’m doing the unselfish thing by keeping quiet.

What exactly are you exploring?

A) All sorts of kinky things, like this so-called ‘doggy-style’ I read about. Sounds depraved but could be fun.

B) Do you really want to know? It involves multiple dildos, harnesses, and random women I’ve met on shady dating apps. Use your imagination.

What do you hope to gain from the experience?

A) A deeper understanding of my partner. A merging of our souls. A spiritual connection. Hopefully a blowjob.

B) Understanding my true sexual wants and needs. If a hot woman is there as well wearing sexy pants, that’s always a bonus.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Sounds like you’re dipping your toes into the shallowest waters of sexual exploration in a transparent way. At this rate you might do something really racy like wear some handcuffs by the time you’re 80. Godspeed, you crazy freaks.

Mostly Bs: You know you’re cheating, you’re just trying to soothe your guilty conscience. If you really want to make the uncomfortable feelings go away, say you’re dabbling in ethical nonmonogamy. Nobody can get angry about cheating when it sounds that boring.

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