How to be a ponce about your lockdown

WERE your lockdown experiences deeper and more meaningful than everyone else’s? Do you need to tell them? Here’s how:

Brag about how much it improved your relationship
Being at home with your partner allowed you to explore each other’s personalities at a deeper level than even before, leading to some great sex. Or your partner got so sick of hearing you go on about your true self they started boning you to shut you up.

Hype up your own depth
Don’t say: ‘Being stuck in all day was dull as f**k. I was totally depressed.’ That’s too normal and prosaic. Do say: ‘I felt the walls were closing in, leaving me staring into the abyss of my own thoughts. There’s nothing worse than existential ennui.’

Wank on about spiritual stuff
Did you take up meditation during lockdown? Or practice ‘mindfulness’? Or just do something vaguely relaxing like painting stones? Drone on about it until even the Dalai Lama would square up and punch you hard in the face.

Claim you have ‘learned so much’
About yourself, obviously, because that’s what interests you most. But you also caught up on your reading and strangely it was all Kazuo Ishiguro, David Foster Wallace, JM Coetzee and other writers you can namedrop to impress people. Funny, that.

Exaggerate how hard it is getting back to normal

You’re so sensitive and perceptive, going back to the office wasn’t ‘a bit weird’, it was ‘a profound culture shock’. You’ll soon get a taste for this faux-naif crap, and by afternoon will claim nipping into Pret for a tuna wrap was ‘like entering a surreal dreamscape’.

Write a column for the Guardian about it
There’s an audience for your poncery ready and waiting. And you can spend your fee on a new poncey thing like online oil painting lessons when the government f**ks it all up again and we’re back in lockdown forever.

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Starmer self-isolating after family member shows symptoms of Corbynism

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

The Labour leader will not have any other contact with his front bench for 14 days for fear of a repeat of the socialist epidemic which came close to killing his party last year.

An insider said: “Keir noticed a relative suffering a troubling inclination to nationalise railways, a powerful aversion to criticising Russia and the beginnings of an urge to get an allotment and reacted immediately.

“He’s isolated that person, who is understood to be too young to remember the 1970s, and is remaining home so he doesn’t end up reinfecting the party with the troubling anti-Semitism it’s only just got rid of.

“Though Sir Keir isn’t showing any symptoms himself, he is taking every precaution to ensure that his brand of mum-friendly Labour doesn’t become sick with support for Cuba or guest spots on Iranian state television.”