The Tory activities you can ignore the Rule of Six for

SHOOTING grouse and stag-hunting are exceptions to the Rule of Six thanks to Conservative lawmakers, but what else? 


The sport which requires you to have a horse, a childhood spent in boarding schools and a congenital speech impediment from inbreeding has been exempted from the rule. Women who subliminate their desire for their horses into shagging polo players may carry on.


As distinct from merely being on a boat, boating involves gathering together with others of suitable pedigree on the water to spend reviving time not even touching land connected to other land poor people tread on. Utterly necessary.


Entirely funded by grateful members of the working-classes losing money, races are the centrepiece of the social season. Important for mating rituals because for once it is possible to tell posh girls apart thanks to their hats.

Membership of the Bullingdon Club

This private all-male Oxford dining club has been given a blanket exemption for ‘activities vital to the future of our nation’ which include getting drunk on 100-year-old cognac, smashing up restaurants and burning £50 notes in front of homeless men.


Even though braying expels droplets and could theoretically spread the coronavirus, it is ever well-born Englishman’s right to bray stridently as a call to others with country estates and a dearth of chins. Why else would Shakespeare have written ‘Bray loud, for England and St George!’

Stitching the country up

Conservatives have been meeting behind closed oak-panelled doors to decide the future of Britain since 1834, and our nation would be rudderless without their steady, selfless guidance and unquenchable desire to personally profit. How lucky we are to have them.

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No Deal Brexit could see Waitrose become billionaire-only

ONLY customers with a net worth of a billion-plus will be able to afford Waitrose if Britain leave the EU without a deal, the supermarket has warned.

Waitrose has advised its regular customers that when food prices rise due to a No Deal Brexit they will be no better than Aldi shoppers while it becomes the exclusive retailer to Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and James Dyson.

A spokesman said: “Currently our store is within the reach of ordinary six-figure earners, if they’re feeling flush. But not if we crash out of the EU.

“If that were to happen even the carrier bags would require a mortgage. A big shop would cost more than the country’s annual GDP, and you’d have to unlock the trollies with a Bitcoin.

“Our car parks will be converted into marinas so the clientele could swing by in their megayachts after the morning school run, and you can forget about topping up your KeepCup unless you’ve been gifted a windfall from a Nigerian prince.

“Our new shoppers will love our new ranges, like 233,000 hectares of Scottish forest, Alaskan mining rights, a 116-story central London apartment block, and Lionel Messi.”

Waitrose shopper Francesca Johnson said: “They can’t take away my cherished memories of paying £3.50 for Duchy Organic Cypriot Halloumi.”