Have you memorised your Wetherspoons emergency survival plan?

IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local ‘Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.

Listen for the warning siren

At no small cost, every Spoons has installed a siren to warn customers about Covid. When you hear it, rush to the bar and neck as many pints as possible. You don’t want the bloody police shutting the pub when you’re merely merry. You need to be proper shitfaced.

Keep calm

Easier said than done in a life-or-death situation. But half of Wetherspoons’ customers think Covid is a load of bollocks and the rest are paralytically pissed, so panic will probably not be a problem.

Collect your emergency rations

Every Wetherspoons keeps a large stock of high-protein food for times of crisis. In a Covid outbreak, report to the kitchen and collect 14 days’ worth of fried eggs, onion rings, cheap sausages, chicken wings and chips topped with melted cheese. It’ll make you strong.

Dispose of dead drinks

No man left behind, the US military says, and it’s the same for drinks. When other customers have abandoned their half-drunk pints and fled it’s your duty to collect them and give them a soldier’s funeral by knocking them back. Be prepared to fight other patrons for the privilege.

Take up defensive positions

A Covid outbreak may be followed by a second wave of virus attacks. They’re invisible to the naked eye, but forming a circle with your mates and punching the air wildly is bound to get some of the little bastards.

Proceed in an orderly fashion to the bunker

If the situation reaches what Wetherspoons’ scientists call ‘Code Red’, you will be required to move to the hermetically sealed bunker underneath the pub. These are well-stocked in case of a No Deal Brexit, and you can emerge in 2021 safe in the knowledge that all the Remainers are dead.

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UK law now opt-in

BRITISH law now only applies to you if you ticked the box when you were filling in the form, it has emerged. 

Following the passing of the UK’s law-breaking Internal Market Bill in the Commons last night, the country’s laws have switched from automatically applying to all citizens to only being valid if you deliberately opted in.

Justice secretary Robert Buckland QC said: “Laws aren’t for everyone. We in the Conservative party, unlike our unimaginative and dogmatic opponents, recognise that.

“So from now on you’ll regularly be asked, whenever filling out any government form online, if you want to continue living under our legal regime or if you’d prefer an exciting, zesty, buccaneering life outside the law such as the prime minister enjoys.

“We expect millions of Britons, sick of activist judges and politically correct police forces, will go for the latter. Or they’ll be confused by the wording on the form and do it by accident.

“It’s a new era for Britain. We may provide your details to carefully selected partners who will offer you opportunities to take part in heists. Our liability is expressly waived.”

Brexiter Norman Steele of Hythe said: “Why do we need laws when we’ve got good British common sense? Oh, my car’s gone.”