Sunday, 27th September 2020

How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch

IS being asked by the government to grass everyone up for Rule of Six violations your dream come true? Here’s how make the most of it.

Settle minor grudges

From witch trials to the Stasi, dobbing people in has always been a great way to settle scores. Having a dispute with your neighbour about a garden fence? Or maybe you just fancy their wife? Get the bastards arrested. It’s not vindictive and twisted, it’s therapeutic.

Pretend you’re a spy

Who hasn’t wanted to be 007 or Black Widow? Now you can, by stealthily observing them across the road having too many people round for a barbecue. Okay, you can’t neutralise multiple targets with a sniper rifle, but you can call the police and watch their hotdogs go cold.

Get revenge on the young

You’ll never again have their full head of hair, youthful optimism and slim body, the bastards, but you can get the Covid marshals to stop them playing frisbee. You’ll be the hero of the Daily Telegraph comment section.

Become a Covid marshal

Traditionally, people who craved authority but couldn’t get into the real police had to become a special constable. Now you can become a marshal and imagine people are looking at you in awe as you stride around pubs in hi-viz vest spraying disinfectant spray.

Bask in self-righteousness

Reporting seven people going on a bike ride to 101 is all that keeps this country collapsing into barbarism. It’s a dirty job, but who would protect society if it wasn’t for you, the Dirty Harry of Covid?