How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch

IS being asked by the government to grass everyone up for Rule of Six violations your dream come true? Here’s how make the most of it.

Settle minor grudges

From witch trials to the Stasi, dobbing people in has always been a great way to settle scores. Having a dispute with your neighbour about a garden fence? Or maybe you just fancy their wife? Get the bastards arrested. It’s not vindictive and twisted, it’s therapeutic.

Pretend you’re a spy

Who hasn’t wanted to be 007 or Black Widow? Now you can, by stealthily observing them across the road having too many people round for a barbecue. Okay, you can’t neutralise multiple targets with a sniper rifle, but you can call the police and watch their hotdogs go cold.

Get revenge on the young

You’ll never again have their full head of hair, youthful optimism and slim body, the bastards, but you can get the Covid marshals to stop them playing frisbee. You’ll be the hero of the Daily Telegraph comment section.

Become a Covid marshal

Traditionally, people who craved authority but couldn’t get into the real police had to become a special constable. Now you can become a marshal and imagine people are looking at you in awe as you stride around pubs in hi-viz vest spraying disinfectant spray.

Bask in self-righteousness

Reporting seven people going on a bike ride to 101 is all that keeps this country collapsing into barbarism. It’s a dirty job, but who would protect society if it wasn’t for you, the Dirty Harry of Covid?

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Six bedtime habits to leave you knackered the next day

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset:

A late-night fourth meal

It may begin as one biscuit, but before you know it you’ve polished off the leftover curry and followed it with a family-sized bag of Kettle Chips. The subsequent gut hangover will completely ruin your morning while leaving you deeply ashamed.

A new TV show

Just one episode, then the next, then you’ve binged five hours and it’s 3am. Go for a true crime series and even when you do tear yourself away to collapse into bed your mind will be racing with the gory details and you’ll be too disturbed for a wink of sleep anyway.

A last coffee

Knocking back a strong coffee late in the evening will perk you up a little, but only a little. It’ll also leave you grinding your teeth until dawn with only occasional interludes of disturbed sleep where you’re dreaming you’re still awake.

A quick social media scroll

Tell yourself you’ll just take a quick glance at Facebook on the loo and you’ll wash up in bed three hours later with throbbing haemorrhoids, five new conspiracy theories to mull over and an old schoolmate’s success to lie there resenting.

A nightcap

The thought of a soporific shot of whisky or relaxing glass of red may make you feel like you’re Don Draper or a sophisticated continental, but things won’t seem so suave and romantic when the alarm goes off the the morning and you feel old, groggy and shit.

A big clear-out

There’s nothing like 11pm as the moment to start Marie Kondoing. Once the fire of revolution has been lit it’s bound to burn bright until the early hours, and then you can lie awake until dawn changing your mind about what to rescue from the bin bags.