'I don't know them! I promise, I'm a stranger!' says man dragged away from group of six by Covid marshalls

A MAN dragged away from a group of six people by armed Covid marshalls is desperately pleading that he does not know them. 

The marshalls, masked and dressed in black leather and carrying submachine guns, observed the man exchanging words with the group on a crowded bus and immediately arrested him.

Onlooker Nathan Muir said: “He was panicking, trying to prove he didn’t know them, that there was no risk of coronavirus transmission because he was a total stranger.

“But the longer they interrogated him, the less convincing he seemed. It’s very hard to prove you don’t know somebody, after all. They just snarled at him that he was lying.

“Their black van arrived and he was thrown in the back with all the others they’d caught in the morning’s roadblocks and spot-checks. There must have been 50 people in there but it’s alright, none of them were acquainted.

“Then they shouted through a megaphone to everyone watching ‘You’d better be strangers or in an office because you’ve seen what happens to rulebreakers,’ before driving away.

“Still it’s all for our own good and isn’t Boris a funny laugh.”

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Is your ex toxic or just a wanker?

WHEN a relationship ends, it throws up questions about whether your ex was a toxic abusive manipulating gaslighter or a simple twat. Take our quiz to find out: 

What did your ex do for your last birthday? 

A) Present you with flowers that were obviously from a petrol station while claiming they were from a top florist, along with Ferrero Rocher from a leading Belgian chocolatier
B) Kidnap your cat

When you broke up, what was the first thing your ex did?

A) Texted your best mate suggesting they meet for no-strings-attached sex
B) Set up an email list of your close relatives and friends and send daily long, rambling, largely false messages about how much you’ve hurt them

What was the highlight of your relationship?

A) Watching The Sopranos together
B) When you promised to take her to Las Vegas and she agreed not to set your car on fire

What was your ex’s nickname at school?

A) ‘Steve-O’
B) ‘Stalker Steve’

You ask your ex if they think you look fat. What would they have said?

A) ‘Yeah a bit. Especially around the arse.’
B) ‘Like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, I enjoy curvier women.’


Mostly As: Your ex was a garden-variety wanker, such as you would meet on an IPA factory tour or at a Coldplay concert. But they’re not around to defend themselves so if you want to make some stuff up to horrify your friends, go for it.

Mostly Bs: Your ex was fully toxic, and you can only hope they move on quickly and focus their attentions on some other unlucky bastard. Try to spot the red flags in your all-red-flags warning-sirens-blaring relationship earlier next time.