'I am the creative school mum for this class, and you are f**king well not'

YOU’RE creative, I hear? Think you’ll be delighting teachers and parents with your marvellous crafting skills? Back the f**k off, bitch. 

There is only room for one mum as creative superstar for class 5JB, and it’s not you. I rule the crafting roost around here. You’d best accept it.

Ask around. Ask about the handmade cards every teacher gets at the end of the year. Oh, you can sign it – and please note the adhesive label advertising my Etsy shop – but you won’t be f**king making it.

Ask about the craft stall at the summer fayre. Relentlessly dominated by my handiwork for the last four years and, thanks to my weaponising of politeness, solidly profitable.

The other 29 hapless mums don’t have a chance. Sure, Nikki has a successful ceramics business and Martha has a Masters in fine art. But I don’t work.

I’m there every morning and night. I volunteer to come in afternoons. I help Miss Baker put the displays up. She knows full well that any dalliance with your shitty homemade paper flowers is an act of war.

Sure, I’ve used one tiny outlet in my empty life to shape my entire identity. Yes, everything I do is straight off YouTube. And have I alienated my husband by demanding craft supplies from the household budget to the point he sleeps in the spare room? Damn right.

Here. These are detailed instructions for making painted rocks for the class play. Follow them exactly and some of your rocks may be used. Fail to comply? I will kick off like a f**king five year-old.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If you dare strike you're all fired, say genius Tories

ANY workers withdrawing labour when it is irreplaceable and urgently needed will be fired en masse, the great thinkers in government have decided. 

Anti-strike legislation being introduced to parliament today means that key workers who risk serious harm to the public by not working will find themselves not working permanently, to protect the public.

Business secretary Grant Shapps said: “If your radiology department refuses to work? Bang. Now there’s no radiology department. Because we’re putting service users first.

“You’ll have no right to sue for unfair dismissal and you’re barred from working in the public sector ever again. Sorting out all these complaints about ‘understaffing’ putting ‘patients at risk’ in one stroke.

“We’ve made a little list: transport, NHS, education, fire and rescue, border security and nuclear decommissioning. If I have to fire every worker in every one of those professions to make Britain safer, I will.

“This will bring the strikers to their knees. They reckoned without solid Tory logic.”