'Influencers using our iconic streets for photo-ops is ruining Wolverhampton'

RESIDENTS of Wolverhampton are sick of tourists posing outside of their homes and clogging up their stunning town centre, it has emerged.

Wulfrunian Nathan Muir, who rents an enviable studio flat near the Molineux stadium for £200 a month, is considering moving out of the city to get some peace from the constant stream of awed sightseers.

He said: “When you live somewhere like this, you expect a certain amount of inconvenience. I mean, with three Greggs to choose from in the centre alone, it’s no wonder that we’re thronged with tour groups.

“But I’m getting f**king sick of it. I can barely get out of my front door without walking into an Italian Instagram model trying to get a sexy picture next to the big ASDA.

“You may want my filthy stairwell to serve as the perfect backdrop for your next modelling shoot, but people actually live here, you know. It’s not just a playground for the wealthy and gorgeous.”

Social media starlet Lauren Hewitt says that Wolverhampton has been a dream destination for years now.

“The boarded-up shop windows? The day drunks lounging on the Man on the Horse statue? The ring road? It’s the kind of scenery that instantly lifts any selfie.

“I hope they don’t introduce a tourist tax or anything, because I’m already planning my next trip. I’ll be staying in a former halfway house near Bentley Bridge Retail Park. Yeah, that retail park. I can’t wait.”

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Idea of young people getting shot wins over elderly voter

A PENSIONER who was unsure if he was going to vote Conservative has been won over by the prospect of young people getting riddled with bullets.

76-year-old Roy Hobbs was considering sitting this election out until the Conservatives launched a policy which appeals to both his sentimental nostalgia for the past and his desire for teenagers to be blasted to bits with guns.

He said: “Mandatory national service? An emphasis on funnelling young people into the military? Hand me my ballot paper now, I’m ready to vote for Rishi.

“I don’t know why they’re bothering with the Triple Lock Plus pension to be honest. They had me at ‘we will force kids to undergo a hardship which you never had to endure yet still feel weirdly proud about.’ They didn’t need to say anything else.

“It probably won’t be boring national service either like polishing tanks or aimlessly marching around airfields. The world’s on a knife edge at the minute so there’s a real chance they could be sent off to an actual war in wholesale numbers. Fingers crossed!

“The only way it could be improved is if it was slightly racist in some way. Although I’m sure Reform UK is working on that in an effort to steal my vote.”