Man instantly regrets deciding to piss standing up in bathroom of moving train

AFTER using a train bathroom, a male passenger is bitterly lamenting his decision not to sit down to piss. 

Tom Logan was horrified as, midway through urinating, the train started to rock uncontrollably on an uneven stretch of track, causing him to douse almost every surface in the bathroom in urine.

Describing the incident, the piss-soaked IT worker said: “I’m normally a very accurate pisser, but what happened in there was absolute carnage.

“As I say to my girlfriend whenever she complains about our toilet seat at home: ‘Why would I sit down to piss when I’ve a dick?’ And besides, it’s more fun aiming to try and get all the piss in the bowl, like your very own arcade game.

“No one wants to sit on a train toilet seat because some filthy bastard has always pissed on it, or worse. But I didn’t stand a chance in there, it was like having my dick out on a roller coaster. It’s Southern Rail you should be blaming, not me.”

Fellow passenger Donna Sheridan, who used the bathroom after Logan, said: “Southern Rail has a lot to answer for, but I don’t think even their harshest critic would blame them for this twat somehow filling the toilet’s wastepaper bin with a litre of piss.

“He must have been in his late 40s. How does he still have the power to get wee on the ceiling?”

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Making someone wait to shake your hand, and other micro-dicked power moves

PRESIDENT Erdoğan of Turkey is such a masculine boss man that he made Putin wait 50 seconds before shaking his hand. What other tiny-penised power moves could he have used?

Making someone wait to shake your hand

If you’re meeting someone who thinks they’re harder than you, it’s vital to get your power play in first. Pretend to enter a room with them and then hang back at the door while they stand in the middle of the carpet looking like a lemon. After a minute walk up to them and shake hands. Boom. You’re the big man.

Open a bottle with your teeth

Want to look more macho than all the other guys at the party? Make a big show of opening a bottle with your teeth. They’ll be genuinely intimidated, but only because you’re a psycho who’s pulled out a tooth and is dripping blood all over your host’s new carpet while crying from the agonising pain.

Pick up the tab

Want to make sure you’re the alpha male when out at a restaurant or a bar? Insist on paying the bill for everyone present. You’ll look suave, rich and dominant. Although you may have to have a cry in the toilets afterwards when you realise you’ve paid £327 for people you hate from work to eat hideously overpriced nachos.

Refuse to commit to a relationship

According to dickhead pick-up artist forums on Reddit, a man loses the upper hand in a relationship the moment he agrees to commit. Retain your power forever by never agreeing to go exclusive with a woman. You have triumphed over all women, until you’re a bitter, lonely 75-year-old with no one in your life who loves you.

Have your picture taken bare-chested on a horse

The problem with trying to out-power move Putin is that he is the king of teeny-cocked power moves. If you want to emulate him, take your shirt off and ride around on a horse. You’ll feel amazing, while looking like the most insecure bellend who ever lived.