Man might support the Lionesses if they win the whole thing

A MAN has announced he might think about backing the Lionesses during the Women’s Euros if they end up winning it.

With the Lionesses being the first team to earn a place in the semi-finals, glory supporter James Bates has decided to give them his allegiance if they go all the way and bring home a big shiny trophy.

He said: “Yeah, they’re not doing too badly. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. France, Sweden and the Netherlands are still in the game, so there’s everything to play for.

“Thrashing Norway eight-nil was sort of impressive, I guess. And getting five goals past Northern Ireland wasn’t bad. Wiegman’s girls ruined their clean sheet while beating Spain last night though, so they need to try a little harder to win me over.

“Fair’s fair though. If they make it through to the finals and win I’ll give them my seal of approval by saying ‘good job’ and doing a curt nod at the TV. I might even consider getting a Women’s Euro 2022 sticker album, although I already know I won’t.”

Bates girlfriend Lauren Hewitt said: “James is already convinced that Southgate’s squad will cruise to victory in Qatar. He says what they do is ‘real football’.”

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I want my Boris back, say babies

BIG crying babies across the country have demanded they be given their comforting cuddly Boris back or they will scream.

Offers of a Cabbage Patch Truss or an expensive talking Ready4Rishi! doll have been spurned by the tantruming infants, who say only a real Boris will do.

Denys Finch Hatton, aged 67, of Amersham said: “Liz and Rishi are rubbish. Boris is brilliant. He gave a swashbuckling speech in the Commons and I want! Him! Back!

“If he isn’t on my ballot then I’m not voting. I don’t want a continuity Boris. I want the proper Boris with charisma and an 80-seat majority and the Nadine Dorries accessory.”

His mother Dora Hatton said: “But darling, you ruined your Boris with Partygate. And I know you said that was ‘just a cake in a room’ but it wasn’t was it? It kept happening and he got so covered in shit he wasn’t any use anymore.

“So we’ve had to throw Boris away, but these other ones are just as good. They’ve got all the same policies and everything. Don’t cry. Come on, don’t cry. Will you just stop bloody crying?”

Boris Johnson, aged 58, said: “They’re right. I’m the best one and I should be on the Downing Street bed. If I’m not on the ballot I’m holding my breath until I pass out.”