Middle class woman tries to recreate excitement of foreign supermarket by going to Aldi

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman has attempted to relive visiting a French supermarket by shopping at her local rustic, peasant-filled Aldi in Worcester.

During a fortnight staying in a converted cowshed outside St Malo, PR executive Donna Sheridan visited a nearby Carrefour supermarket to buy continental goods such as big jars of tiny peas and carrots, paprika snacks and incredible value red wine.

On returning home, a leaflet of Aldi special offers caught her eye, promising exotic continental items like mayonnaise in a French-style jar that goes wide in the middle and then narrow again at the bottom so you can never get the last bit out with a knife. 

Sheridan said: “Sadly Aldi was not all I had hoped for. The rice pudding did have foreign writing on, but it was in a standard tin, and it’s only continental if you buy it in individual ramekins to eat cold with cinnamon on top.

“The shoppers were clearly simple, salt-of-the earth folk, the local peasantry if you will, but they spoiled the effect by wearing tracksuits. I’d put them in farm overalls to make them more authentic.

“Also the shoppers were grumpy, but not in a charming French way. The last straw was the lack of a machine that makes you buy fresh juice you don’t particularly want just so you can watch it cut and squeeze the oranges right in front of you.

“Still, the trip wasn’t a total washout. I filled the car with cheap booze to replace the measly 18 litres of wine you can bring back from France now. At just £1.99 for a massive carton I’m sure it will be every bit as tasty as the French stuff.”

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Should you take your boyfriend on holiday with you? The pros and cons

BOYFRIENDS think you’re going on holiday together just because you’re in a ‘serious relationship’. How presumptuous. Let’s look at the pros and cons of leaving them at home.

Pro: No one blathering on while you’re quietly waiting for your plane and dreaming of sunny beaches.

Con: Jesus, the flight’s delayed and you’ll be here for another five f**king hours. Even your boyfriend’s futile attempts to convince you there’s ‘a lot more to Warhammer than playing with little plastic figures’ would kill some time.

Pro: No one to share ‘interesting’ aviation facts with you on the plane, eg. ‘In a crash you’re more likely to die from blunt trauma injuries than burn to death.’

Con: You still remember him telling you water is like solid concrete if you hit it at the velocity of a jet airliner, and need someone to babble in terror at.

Pro: No arguments about where to eat this evening.

Con: You realise you actually thrive on arguments. That’s why you’re such a demanding cow. God, it’s all so clear now. And while you’re coping with confusing money and a foreign language, your boyfriend is lazing around at home eating crisps and watching football. There’ll be words about this when you get back.

Pro: Your holiday apartment is neat and tidy, and will remain that way.

Con: Your flat is going to be a f**king sty.

Pro: You can visit an impressive Spanish cathedral without your boyfriend grudgingly tagging along, obviously bored.

Con: No one’s making inane comments like ‘So what bit does God live in?’ or ‘It’s very Moorish’, which is actually more interesting than learning that the Andalusian style of architecture was popular between 1238 and 1492.

Pro: You can flirt with other holidaymakers.

Con: You’re not actually going to sleep with them so it’s a bit of a waste of time, and their chat-up lines are worse than anything your boyfriend ever says. Some twat from Yorkshire has actually just said to you: ‘We’re here for the knobbing, love!’ Well, that’s your heart stolen away.

Pro: Total freedom to do exactly as you choose at any time of the day. 

Con: No one to carry a heavy 2l bottle of water while you do it.

Pro: Immersing yourself in culture by visiting an art gallery rather than a grotty amusement arcade that could be in Rhyl because your boyfriend’s found a ‘really amazing’ tank game.

Con: To be honest you don’t really understand the art, especially the modern stuff. At least the amusement arcade is next to a bar.

Pro: You’re not ruining your relationship by having endless petty arguments due to the culture shock of spending 24 hours a day together.

Con: At home you can spread the arguments out over years, even a lifetime, of festering anger and resentment.