Rightmove better than porn, women confirm

WOMEN have confirmed that they find browsing online property website Rightmove to be more sexually stimulating than any pornography. 

The site, which offers tastefully shot pictures of large, tidy houses, has replaced erotic fantasies for millions of women who admit they find it hard to climax without it.

Tom Logan of Derby said: “When I come up to bed, Rebecca locks her phone and pretends to be asleep. One time, though, I caught sight of her screen and I admit I feel a bit shaken. Five double bedrooms. Detached. It was really niche stuff.”

Rebecca Logan said: “You just keep swiping, wondering what you’ll see next. One minute it’s a cottage in the Cotswolds, the next you’ve stumbled across a farm in France with extensive outbuildings.

“From there you end up looking at abandoned water mills in the Pyrenees, or former baronial castles in the West Highlands. You should probably go back but you just keep scrolling.

“I know I should involve Tom but it’s just too much like hard work. Plus, it’s not necessarily what I’d want in real life. Imagine the stamp duty.”

Tom said, “My thing is studio flats in Berlin, but Rebecca doesn’t need to know that.”

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The gammon's guide to EU trade negotiations

GOVERNMENT ministers are talking tough on EU negotiations, but are they tough enough for Britain’s gammons? Leaver Roy Hobbs sets out his demands. 

Fisheries policy 

Of course Spanish trawlers can have access to British waters – so we can sink them. I propose putting an electronic tag on all British fish so that if one is stolen by a foreign vessel our destroyers can open up with 14-inch guns. Because it’s piracy.

Football

Germany has an unfair advantage over England at football due to their valuation of skill and tactics over pride and self-belief. Any deal with the EU must include England being allowed to source 75 per cent of its Euros team from South America.

Total divergence from EU regulations

If a few children lose eyes from exploding Clackers, so be it. We’re a bulldog race. We will also set standards like all British cars to have seven wheels, improving grip in wet conditions and preventing puny four-wheeled Kraut cars being sold here.

Stop calling EU countries our ‘friends’

For God’s sake, Boris, stop saying they’re our ‘friends’ and ‘partners’. They’re filthy liars who’d happily slit our throats in revenge for Agincourt, El Alamein and the Spanish Armada and I’m not afraid to say it, even if I am on holiday in Alicante.

Animal welfare 

I am passionately opposed to transporting live animals in cramped conditions after discovering it was them that do it, not us. From now on, British sheep will only be put into trucks with individual cruise ship-style cabins with queen-sized beds and Netflix.

All EU goods to be banned

The EU can buy our goods but we don’t want their rubbish. No more stupid ‘baguette bread’ and wine, just traditional Findus Crispy Pancakes and Boddingtons. That’s nothing more than sensible.