IRONICALLY sprouting hair from new locations just as you’re going bald is a normal part of aging. Your barber now discreetly asks if you’d like these to be shaped:
Nostrils
It’s a sobering moment: you’d gone in for your normal cut when suddenly the clippers are right in your face. As they angle in for your nose you wonder if your barber is insane or if you’ve grown a Hitler moustache without noticing. But no, you just have hairy nostrils now. Like someone’s dad.
Inner ears
Your actual ears, treated like they’re a patch of weeds and he’s wielding the strimmer? Surely not. But when you see the sheer amount of hair that’s flying out all doubt is eliminated. And when he tells you he’ll have to charge extra for the wear and tear on his tools caused by your wire-like ear hair, even less.
Eyebrows
You’ve never paid any attention to your eyebrows, because you’re not a woman. But in response to his question, suddenly you notice they’re full of wild, crackly hair poking out in every direction, some five times longer than their neighbour and vivid white. You signal him to go ahead and another piece of your youth falls away.
The patch above your buttock cleft
Barbers give directions: lift your head up, turn to the left, close your eyes. When he tells you to get on all fours you’re surprised but obey automatically. And when he begins to tidy the area above your Dagenham smile, he assures you it’s perfectly normal for a man of your years and will make you feel special.
Pubes
Now he’s down there, they have gotten unpleasantly unruly and now seem to grow about halfway up the member, like a hog’s pizzle. He’s perfectly professional about it and the conversation about whether Sunderland will fall victim to second-season syndrome continues without pause.
