THE 1980s were not an enlightened time despite all our concerts for Nelson Mandela. These commonplace actions would sicken and horrify today’s teens:
Referring to ‘gender benders’
Boy George – yes, him who’s in the jungle – was an androgynous, ethereal beauty, so naturally the tabloids called him a ‘gender bender’ and the public followed suit. Less embarrassing than your dad saying ‘You can’t tell if they’re men or women’, which screams ‘I would f**k him’.
Considering Page 3 totally normal
What goes well with your morning fag on the top deck of the bus to work? A 16-year-old Sam Fox’s knockers. Youngsters today would find it deeply strange if you whipped out a picture of breasts in incredibly mundane situations. It’s like watching Pornhub while you’re painting the skirting boards.
Bullying
By law, state schools these days have an anti-bullying policy. The only bullying policy four decades ago was a mandatory kick in the nuts. You took part in milder bullying yourself, just hurling rocks at someone or stabbing them with a compass, nothing serious.
Loving The Two Ronnies
It speaks volumes about the The Two Ronnies that children loved it. A dizzying storm of tit jokes, woman getting spanked and serial The Worm That Turned about a nightmare world ruled by feminists was adored by 80s kids. Any 14-year-old today would say ‘How could you laugh at this?’ which is a bloody good question on all levels.
Fearing gay men
‘Poof’ was practically a compliment compared to ‘arse bandit’, ‘shirt-lifter’ and the warning ‘Don’t bend over’. Living in constant fear of anal violation would make a young person today, entirely comfortable with their homosexuality, think you were clinically paranoid or Eminem.
Grim sexism
Not the suave, ironic FHM sexism of the 90s, but stuff you’d hear conversationally that now sounds like a quote from Fred West. ‘I’d be up that like a rat up a drainpipe’, ‘I’ve been through her’, etc. You nodded in agreement back then, but such top bantz is now rightly reserved for the WhatsApp groups of the Metropolitan Police.
Joey Deacon
If you know, you know.
