Seven things you did in the 80s that would give your woke kids a coronary

THE 1980s were not an enlightened time despite all our concerts for Nelson Mandela. These commonplace actions would sicken and horrify today’s teens: 

Referring to ‘gender benders’ 

Boy George – yes, him who’s in the jungle – was an androgynous, ethereal beauty, so naturally the tabloids called him a ‘gender bender’ and the public followed suit. Less embarrassing than your dad saying ‘You can’t tell if they’re men or women’, which screams ‘I would f**k him’.

Considering Page 3 totally normal

What goes well with your morning fag on the top deck of the bus to work? A 16-year-old Sam Fox’s knockers. Youngsters today would find it deeply strange if you whipped out a picture of breasts in incredibly mundane situations. It’s like watching Pornhub while you’re painting the skirting boards.


By law, state schools these days have an anti-bullying policy. The only bullying policy four decades ago was a mandatory kick in the nuts. You took part in milder bullying yourself, just hurling rocks at someone or stabbing them with a compass, nothing serious.

Loving The Two Ronnies

It speaks volumes about the The Two Ronnies that children loved it. A dizzying storm of tit jokes, woman getting spanked and serial The Worm That Turned about a nightmare world ruled by feminists was adored by 80s kids. Any 14-year-old today would say ‘How could you laugh at this?’ which is a bloody good question on all levels.

Fearing gay men

‘Poof’ was practically a compliment compared to ‘arse bandit’, ‘shirt-lifter’ and the warning ‘Don’t bend over’. Living in constant fear of anal violation would make a young person today, entirely comfortable with their homosexuality, think you were clinically paranoid or Eminem.

Grim sexism

Not the suave, ironic FHM sexism of the 90s, but stuff you’d hear conversationally that now sounds like a quote from Fred West. ‘I’d be up that like a rat up a drainpipe’, ‘I’ve been through her’, etc. You nodded in agreement back then, but such top bantz is now rightly reserved for the WhatsApp groups of the Metropolitan Police.

Joey Deacon

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Relieved public glad to see Cabinet resignations back on track

THE British public is relieved to see that disgraced Cabinet ministers are resigning in ignominy on a monthly basis once again. 

Following the appointment of Rishi Sunak as prime minister two weeks ago, the electorate has been perturbed that not a single cabinet member has quit for being incompetent, corrupt, or a vile bully until Gavin Williamson last night.

Mary Fisher of Worcester said: “It was deeply concerning. A full fortnight without a single senior politician admitting they were shit from day one?

“Under Truss things were right on track. We had Kwarteng quitting after discovering he was Eton’s thickest prick, Braverman out for breaking all those laws she couldn’t have known about because she was only attorney general, and of course Truss.

“But despite the cabinet being packed with useless wankers, lying bastards and pumped-up twats high on their own machismo, not one quit. It was like they were in this for the long-term.

“Thankfully, now Gavin Williamson’s gone, we’re back in the rhythm. It’ll be Braverman next week, Badenoch to kick off December and Hunt before Christmas. I can’t wait to see what desperate, untried backbenchers will replace them.”