DESPITE it being 2023 there are barely any birthday cards for women which aren’t pink and don’t set feminism back by a decade. Like these:
Shoe
You don’t own a pair of high heels and rarely wear anything other than trainers but this won’t stop your mum sending you a card with a stiletto on it. Is this a sly dig at your perceived lack of femininity or just panic in the card shop? Probably a bit of both.
Prosecco
Men get beer cards and women get sparkly Prosecco or gin cards. That’s the natural way of the world. The sender obviously thinks that you’re a bit of an alcoholic, but in a fun girly way, which makes it glamorous rather than worrying.
Willy joke
There’s some very sophisticated humour out there nowadays but sadly it hasn’t reached the greetings card industry, which still thinks a cartoon of a penis and the phrase ‘Have a willy great birthday!’ is the height of hilarity. It’s the sort of thing your auntie thinks is a bit of a giggle, while you’re cringing yourself inside out.
Food guilt
Different from the borderline-alcoholic Prosecco card, this genre covers faux-cheery statements like ‘Calories don’t count on your birthday!’. Nothing says ‘celebration’ like a bit of body-shaming. Usually sent by a friend who has been doing Weight Watchers for the last decade.
You’re old
Who doesn’t enjoy a bit of mild abuse on their birthday, especially the type that reminds you you’re rapidly hurtling towards the end of your finite years on this planet? This type of card usually says something like ‘Ha ha, you’re an old twat’ and will be sent by a younger sibling.
Baffling ‘With sympathy’ card
Despite your dad’s strong denials, the evidence suggests he did in fact forget your birthday and fished this out from the back of a drawer. It’s the thought that counts, though, even if the pre-printed message in the card says ‘Thinking of you at this difficult time’.
