The best expensive items of outdoor gear to wear indoors

CLIMBING a mountain? No? Then why are you wearing a pair of ludicrously expensive bouldering trousers and a jacket more suited to Everest? Here’s the best outdoor clothing to wear like a ponce.

Bouldering trousers

Have you worn your painfully expensive Swedish climbing trousers to the pub in the hope that someone will ask you about your fascinating hobby? Unfortunately they’re a sort of reddish salmon colour, so people just think you’re a posh twat called Jasper and go out of their way to avoid you.

Hiking boots

Even if it’s raining a bit and there’s a small hill involved, there’s really no reason to wear hiking boots to go to Tesco to buy an onion. You look like a dickhead, and what’s even more annoying is that it takes f**king ages to unlace them when you get back, which holds up everyone’s dinner.

Fjällräven mountaineering jacket

You aren’t scaling Annapurna I any time soon, which means the only reason you bought this is so people know you have £400 spare to spunk on a fancy jacket. Unfortunately we live in a relatively mild climate so you only get the opportunity to wear it three days of the year and even then you’re sweating like a pig.

Merino wool buff

Your poor little neck gets cold when you’re out doing the Park Run, so you need a buff to keep it warm and snug while also wicking away moisture. The downside is that Neil Oliver has ruined buffs for everyone, so you look like a washed-up conspiracy theorist on GB News rather than a sporty hunk.

Cycling cleats and lycra

Look, if you want to go cycling in a load of stupid gear, then go for it. But don’t stop for a break and clatter into a cafe wearing your cycling cleats, causing everyone to turn and be faced with the clear outline of your elastane-clad knackers and a disturbing little nub that must be your penis. Stay outside, people might be eating sausages.

Dry robe

A dry robe is half a jacket and half a towel, designed for people to get changed easily after they’ve been wild swimming or surfing. But, as with many good things, they’ve been adopted by twats and turned into a fashion statement. You look like a toddler wearing your mum’s coat. Stop it.

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Six bands into Satanism who'd have been f**ked if Satan was real

HEAVY metal and Satanism go together like virgins and drinking blood. But did artists really think it through when allying themselves with a powerful entity of pure evil? Possibly not.


‘I bear the devils mark, I kill the newborn baby‘ sang British 80s metallers Venom in the song In League with Satan. However there’s a problem – God is more powerful than Satan, so when Lucifer gets stomped at the Battle of Armageddon, Venom will be going down with their boss. To Hell, specifically. Having a red-hot Gibson Flying V rammed up your bumhole for all eternity could really take the shine off Devil worship.

Led Zeppelin

It’s rumoured Zep all signed a pact with the Devil, so things aren’t looking too peachy for John Bonham right now. A contract with Satan is, of course, the height of stupidity. First, it’s a lousy deal – fame, sex and unimaginable wealth are good, but not worth your immortal soul and an infinite amount of pain. Even Myleene Klass isn’t that desperate. Secondly, is Satan to be trusted in contractual matters? He could easily turn up on Robert Plant’s doorstep tomorrow: ‘Sorry, Rob, your time’s up. Did I not mention the contract doesn’t include weekends? Oops.’

Carpathian Forest 

This Norwegian Black Metal band have picked up a reputation for misogyny, possibly due to lyrics like these: ‘You disbehave [sic]/ Underneath the whip… Pick up your teeth with broken fingers.’ Now you’d think Satan would embrace all forms of evil, so misogyny would be fine, but what if it’s not? What if he really likes women? What if he’s got tickets for Taylor Swift at the O2 with the girls? Carpathian Forest might find themselves being tortured indefinitely, and being big in Norway won’t cut much ice with a horde of demons.

Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath 

Ozzy bit the head off a bat, his band was called Black Sabbath, and his songs are littered with references to the Big D, so he’s at least Satan-curious. Unfortunately he’s also a grade-A moron. The last thing Satan wants is to be on the cusp of defeating Jesus and for Ozzy to distract him by blundering around going ‘Sharon? Where’s me flip-flops?’ It’s likely Ozzy will end up in a very minor role in Hell that’s hard to f**k up, maybe working in the post room.

Cradle of Filth

Becoming a Satanist is piss-easy. You don’t need professional accreditation from the Royal College of Satan, you just need to do Satanic stuff. So with their popular ‘Jesus is a C-word’ t-shirt and song titles like Satanic Mantra, Cradle of Filth are definitely Satan’s minions. Let’s just hope for their sake he’s not expecting them to grab a rifle and fight the armies of God in Megiddo, because, frankly, these posing, clown-faced wankers look soft as shite.

Iron Maiden 

Maiden were profoundly naff, but songs like Number of the Beast (‘Six six six, the Number of the Beast/ Sacrifice is going on tonight’) are pretty Satanic. Bruce Dickinson would no doubt claim it’s just a bit of fun, but what if Satan didn’t get the memo? He could have made them successful without their knowledge. There’s no other f**king explanation. Imagine being tortured forever for the sake of being in Iron Maiden. There probably weren’t even that many groupies because all the fans were spotty 14-year-old boys. It would just be sooo embarrassing.