The seven habits of high-as-f**k people

PEOPLE who are stoned out of their minds all the time don’t get that way by accident. They’ve shaped their own daily routines around ensuring they never have to confront cold, painful reality. And you can too. 

HIT IT IN THE MORNING

You’ve woken up, bleary, with a mouth like the bottom of a parrot’s cage. Your eyes barely open. Your cough brings up tar. Fuck that. It’s time to wake ’n’ bake and fall into the comforting, hazy arms of Mary Jane once more.

A-B-R: ALWAYS BUY RIZLA

Too many amateurs buy a pack of Rizla along with their tobacco and dust their hands off thinking ‘job done’. Real weedheads know that you’ll lose them, drop them, or simply roach them so much that the papers flutter away like feathers in a breeze. Buy Rizlas whenever you make ANY purchase. No exceptions.

CONNOISSEURS COLLECT

Get into all the different types and flavours of weed. Why, when they all get you indistinguishably high? Because once you’ve got loads of different strains in different stash boxes around the house, you’ll never run out. Thinking smart. Thinking ahead.

NEVER STOP HOPPIN’

Netflix? Film? Videogame? Too much concentration required. Focused stoners know that only a steady stream of channel-changing contrasts, from Grand Designs to Ultimate Party Jamz to Adventure Time to Monster Croc Wrangler will keep you alert enough to pack the next bong.

SMOKE EVERYWHERE

Sure, an 18-hour couch session’s the ideal, but every stoner has to leave the house sometimes. Make it a most dope experience by simply smoking a large spliff wherever you go. Strangers may stare but the police are too overworked to give a fuck, unless you’re black.

SUFFER FROM SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS

Is that seven habits? Yeah it must be.