IT’S summer so it’s time to get obsessed with bullshit body trends like having a ‘Toblerone tunnel’. If you’re unsure what that is, read our helpful guide to unhealthy body shapes.
If female, your thighs must have a triangular gap at the top. This is called the ‘thigh gap’ or, more poetically, the ‘Toblerone tunnel’. No one knows why this is important but it is.
If you’ve been on numerous crash diets to achieve this you may already have the much-envied ‘brain gap’, whereby you will do anything mental to impress other morons on Instagram.
If you’re a man your biceps need to be massive, bulging and covered in huge veins that look like snakes trying to escape, possibly from your weird macho narcissism.
You have to look like this because no woman has ever been attracted to a man who does not resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger after a month-long steroid-eating contest.
Nowadays women’s arses must be massive but accompanied by an unrealistically small waist so you look as if you’re in a fairground hall of mirrors.
Men can have relatively normal arse cheeks, but they should be ‘rock hard’ and always referred to as ‘buns’.
Both men and women should have abs that are ripped to the point where you would hardly notice being hit in the stomach by a bus.
We’re sorry, but if you don’t have unnaturally chiselled and symmetrical stomach muscles that make you look like a character in gay fetish art you’re just not attractive.