Which toxic body trend are you hoping to achieve this summer?

IT’S summer so it’s time to get obsessed with bullshit body trends like having a ‘Toblerone tunnel’. If you’re unsure what that is, read our helpful guide to unhealthy body shapes.

Thighs

If female, your thighs must have a triangular gap at the top. This is called the ‘thigh gap’ or, more poetically, the ‘Toblerone tunnel’. No one knows why this is important but it is.

If you’ve been on numerous crash diets to achieve this you may already have the much-envied ‘brain gap’, whereby you will do anything mental to impress other morons on Instagram.  

Biceps

If you’re a man your biceps need to be massive, bulging and covered in huge veins that look like snakes trying to escape, possibly from your weird macho narcissism.

You have to look like this because no woman has ever been attracted to a man who does not resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger after a month-long steroid-eating contest.

Arse

Nowadays women’s arses must be massive but accompanied by an unrealistically small waist so you look as if you’re in a fairground hall of mirrors.

Men can have relatively normal arse cheeks, but they should be ‘rock hard’ and always referred to as ‘buns’.

Stomach

Both men and women should have abs that are ripped to the point where you would hardly notice being hit in the stomach by a bus.

We’re sorry, but if you don’t have unnaturally chiselled and symmetrical stomach muscles that make you look like a character in gay fetish art you’re just not attractive.

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We insist on only the finest French champagne, say Wetherspoons' aristocratic customers

ARISTOCRATS who drink at Wetherspoons have threatened a boycott after the chain revealed it will no longer sell the fine French champagnes they demand. 

The customers, who include lords, ladies, baronets, earls and several minor royals, are outraged at the chain’s new policy to substitute genuine champagne with English sparkling wines. 

Richard Scott, the 10th Duke of Buccleuch and Queensberry who owns 240,00 acres of England and Scotland, said: “I fear my daytime sessions with the regulars at The Saxon Crown in Corby may be over. 

“They really are a wonderful group of chaps, especially Mad Lil, but without my pints of Moet & Chandon I shall have to take my business elsewhere.” 

Viscount Alexander ‘Orly’ Lascelles agreed: “If no Piper-Heideseick brut is available, then myself and the rest of the Leeds United Service Crew will be forced to find somewhere else to quench our thirst before big games. 

“Pity. Wetherspoon had such a marvellous atmosphere. Reminded me of the dinner hall at Eton.”