Why you don't want to be connected to the South anyway: A guide for Northerners

HIGH Speed 2 may never happen, but is that as bad as it sounds? Here’s why Northerners should be grateful not to be connected to the South.

Have you seen how f**king expensive it is?

A pint of the shit beer they drink can cost upwards of a fiver. Their cramped, hutch-like dwellings easily go for half a million. Why would you want to bankrupt yourself by popping down to the South when everything is better and more affordable up North? If you’re after a cheap day out somewhere culturally different, that’s what the Midlands are for.

Southern food is crap

The North perfected fine cuisine centuries ago with the invention of Yorkshire puddings, Lancashire hotpot and Eccles cakes. There is no logical reason to hop on a train and eat inferior imitations of these dishes in shitholes like East Worthing or Kent. You’re certainly not touching fancy cordon bleu rubbish in London where it’s £5,000 for a slice of la-di-dah toast. The South even f**ks up straightforward foods like barm cakes by getting the name wrong.

The South is where Southerners live

An obvious fact that’s often overlooked in reports about the progress of HS2. The South’s population of metropolitan faeries is easily the worst thing about it, and the completion of a connecting train line risks giving these soft, workshy pansies easy access to your precious Northern motherland. The government should be investing in a wall to seal the South off instead.

It’s an eyesore

The North is home to the stunning vistas of the Lake District and the Peak District, whereas the South is blighted by the wastelands of Bournemouth and Plymouth. Even the picturesque bits like the Cotswolds get repetitive after five minutes. If you’re really desperate to see how bad the South looks, save yourself the trauma of visiting by doing a Google image search instead.

You hate London

Remember that time you accidentally overshot Crewe and ended up in Euston station? How could you forget? It was like a waking nightmare: people being busy, interesting landmarks, a wide range of cuisines and cultures… do you really want a high speed link to this hellish dystopia? You’d rather have a grimy bus service to Anthrax Island.

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When will the BBC and Royals sack whoever we order them to? By the Daily Mail

ALREADY King Charles III has defied our wishes by inviting his own son to his coronation. Now the BBC refuses to sack Gary Lineker. When will they learn?

Do these institutions believe themselves bigger than us? Ludicrous. We are not just a newspaper read by right-wing homeowners. We are the voice of the people and the true rulers of Britain.

Perhaps these pitiables believe our moral authority eroded. By Brexit, which we heralded as a success to make the world envious. By Theresa May, our new Iron Lady. By Boris, our new Churchill. By Liz Truss, who we proclaimed the woman of the hour.

No. Those minor errors, like the 1934 pro-fascism editorial ‘Hurrah for the Blackshirts!’ by our chairman’s great-grandfather, stem from nothing more than an excess of patriotism.

But, though we have made our views clear, the King has ignored us. We have advised him repeatedly that his son, who coincidentally is suing us but that has nothing to do with anything, is no longer part of his family.

We have stated in no uncertain terms that he and his vortex-of-evil wife must not attend the coronation. That it would ruin it for Britain if he did. But that disrespectful prick Charlie invites him regardless.

And now? All we’re asking for is the summary dismissal of a much-loved sports presenter on the grounds of holding political views, which does actually sound a bit like Nazi Germany. But, cowed by employment law and so-called popular opinion, the BBC has refused.

Do they think they can get away with this? When our editor will soon be a Lord? We will get our way. Even if Britain becomes an impoverished, backward island living in fear and suspicion. We will get our way. And Charles and the BBC will pay for their insolence.