The six-point interrogation of your teenage daughter's boyfriend: A guide for dads

HAS your daughter brought her boyfriend home? Make sure you grill the f**ker with these questions. You’ll soon prove a toerag like him shouldn’t be anywhere near your special princess.

What do your parents do? 

You want to know if he comes from good stock before you give permission for him boning your precious daughter. Dad in a solid little managerial role, mum a heroic frontline NHS worker, is what you’re hoping for. Regret sticking your snout in when he tells you dad runs a hugely successful international business, and you feel three inches tall for flogging your guts out for bastards because there’s still ten years to go on the mortgage.

What are your career aspirations? 

You don’t want her falling for some schmuck who flips burgers in McDonald’s, and if the little shit is planning on hanging around your daughter for long he’d better start paying for everything, like you didn’t when you were dating her mum. Ask about his career plans and he’ll say he’s not sure yet; he’s only 18 and still doing his A-levels. Try to steer him into a career in the armed forces. He’ll either be posted to some far-flung corner of the globe, or, ideally, get shot. Either way she’ll never see him again.

What football team do you support? 

Pray he’s not some glory-hunting Manchester City fan living in the Home Counties, but instead suffers the misery of following someone local and shit, like you. If he says he’s not really into football, rejoice – it means he’s secretly gay but in denial, so the relationship is doomed. It’ll break her heart, but that’s better than her hymen.

Are you planning on going to university? 

You’re already pressuring your daughter into applying for a place at Cambridge, like any loving parent who wants to spend three years bragging about it at dinner parties, so a nice little degree in geography in Aberdeen for him would be perfect. Feel your heart sink and your hopes crumble to dust when they excitedly tell you they’ve been talking about this already and have agreed to both apply to Birmingham so they can still be together. Bollocks.

Do you drive? 

Well, you’re f**ked if you are going to ferry the pair of them around, and she’s lost heart in the idea after failing her test twice. Your relief when he tells you ‘yes’, and he’s saved up and bought a little runaround, will evaporate at the instantaneous thought of him banging her on the backseat in a remote car park frequented by doggers.

What do you in your spare time? 

Apart from fervently humping your child, that is. Hope he comes out with something tedious like astronomy or calligraphy, which means she’ll get bored and dump him soon, and not ‘Oh, I’m in a band!’, which will result in her being dragged into a rock-and-roll downward spiral of drink, drugs and, inevitably, prostitution.

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How to write comedy. By Penny Mordaunt MP

WRITING comedy is a rare skill and one I have mastered completely, as my speech about Labour and Gary Lineker proved. Follow my advice and you’ll be writing for Friends before you know it!

Use surprise

A good joke leads the audience down one path, then BAM! You hit them with a surprising punchline. After my lengthy, confused analogy about Labour being a football team, Tory MPs kept coming up to me and saying: ‘I can’t f**king believe you just did that.’ See? Surprise. Works every time. 

Be topical

I did my routine just days after Gary Lineker criticised our immigration policy. It worked so well because I’d got my finger on the pulse of popular culture. In my next speech I’m going to compare myself to Lara Croft. Don’t worry if you don’t know who she is, young people will. They’re always ‘gaming it’ on their PlayBox 390s.

Employ pathos 

Withnail and I, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Graduate – they all masterfully switch between comedy and tragedy. As did my speech, going from hilarity to a heartfelt plea for our nation. ‘The country needs people that put in the hard work, take tough decisions, grip a problem and work out how to solve it,’ I said. Angela Rayner actually started crying helplessly at this point, with many more MPs on both sides of the House gripped by thoughtful silence.

Skilfully use swearing 

Experienced comedy writers use swearing for shock value and emphasis. Back in 2014 I inserted ‘cock’ into a speech as many times as possible as an in-joke for my old Royal Navy cronies and they loved it. Actually, ‘inserting cock as many times as possible’ sounds jolly rude too! That’s hilarious! I’m writing that down. 

Learn from the greats of comedy 

‘Every prime minister needs a Willie,’ was Margaret Thatcher’s classic gag, to which I added ‘A woman like me doesn’t have one’ to score a few cheap political points on transgender issues. Any comedian will tell you it’s fine to borrow other people’s material. The true greats of comedy – Jim Davidson, James Corden, Joe Pasquale – do it all the time.

Understand metaphor and simile

An apt comparison can bring the house down, so have metaphors and similes in your comedy armoury. My line about Labour being a ‘party of goal hangers’ who want to ‘take an easy shot’ really nailed it. The audience definitely wasn’t just sitting there in baffled silence, they were savouring my wit. If I ever leave politics I’ll probably get a job on Frasier. They love clever humour.

Endless knob gags

One of my routines is about Royal Navy training for taking care of your penis and testicles in harsh conditions. If I seem a bit obsessed with penis humour, all I can say is that’s just me – I can’t get enough cock! No but seriously, I love gigging here in the Commons, next to Big Ben – and they don’t call him ‘Big’ because of the size of his clockface, know what I mean, ladies? Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a great audience. Goodnight!