Three lunchtime pints cancelled out by cup of tea, man reckons

A MAN believes the three pints of lager he consumed at lunchtime had no effect due to the cup of tea he drank back at the office.

Tom Logan initially felt guilty that he had necked three pints of Stella Artois in quick succession at the Lamb & Flag and feared it might affect his work performance.

But after staggering back to his desk and pondering the matter over a mug of PG Tips, he realised the sobering effects of the hot leaf drink cancelled out the far stronger beer.

Logan said: “As an accountant I am very conscious of the ledger and balance sheet. Applying that expertise, I realised that if you make the tea particularly strong, leaving the bag in the mug for a good six minutes, it will counterbalance the lager and bring you back to net zero.

“Okay, I sort of forgot what I was saying to a client in the middle of a sentence, but that’s probably just due to the boring nature of the phone call. God I’d like a lie-down. Wouldn’t it be nice if offices had beds?”

Reassured by having a ‘clean slate’ in terms of alcohol consumption, Logan consumed three bottles of wine when he got home.

He added: “Before passing out I retained the presence of mind to drink three pints of water to rehydrate. So effectively I had nothing to drink at all.”

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Cinemagoer wishes he lived in universe where multiverses don't exist

A FILM viewer weary of the latest movie gimmick wishes he lived in a universe where multiverses do not exist, he has revealed.

Martin Bishop has fantasised about an alternate reality where film audiences can keep track of what the hell is going on and superheroes do not keep meeting themselves in a way played for laughs.

He said: “Imagine it. A universe where directors are forced to tell a coherent story in 90 minutes without you needing to have seen a dozen other crap films beforehand. Sounds like heaven.

“You could just read the listing, buy a ticket if it took your fancy, and have an enjoyable time. You wouldn’t even have to hang around for a bollocks post-credits scene that only hardcore nerds find entertaining. 

“In a scenario of infinite universes, such a utopia must, by definition, exist out there somewhere.

“Instead I’m trapped in this nightmarish realm where they’re even bunging different film universes together. The possibility of Buzz Lightyear, Harry Potter and Optimus Prime gatecrashing a James Bond film is surely only a few years away. 

“I’ll go and see it out of morbid curiosity, so they’ll think I like it and make shitloads of sequels.

“Admittedly Into The Spider-Verse was f**king incredible, but was it worth pop culture devolving into a gratuitous act of auto-fellatio? No.”