Woman buys f**king ugly dog

A WOMAN who has treated herself to a canine companion during lockdown has decided on one that is incredibly f**king ugly. 

Grace Wood-Morris of Leeds is the proud new owner of a pedigree pug and is already enjoying parading its hideous squashed inbred face around her local park.

She said: “Look at him! Look at his nasty little squashed-up face like he’s been left upside down wedged in a tube for a week. Isn’t he adorable?

“I live alone and I’m kind of a bitch, so what I’ve missed most over lockdown is feeling superior to others. That’s why I decided to get a pug.

“I deliberately chose the ugliest and most contemptible dog available because I not only wanted to feel better about myself but to inflict its repulsiveness on others.

“You can’t believe the compliments little Mason gets in the park. You literally can’t, because they’re verifiably false. ‘He’s so cute!’ people say. ‘No he’s not,’ I reply, ‘He’s butt-ugly.’

“It’s such a comfort to me, knowing that he’ll never leave because nobody else would want him. This must be how women find husbands.”

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Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk

A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.

Martin Bishop felt his son Jack, 13, would benefit from an awkward talk about sexual intercourse during which he never used the word ‘sex’ but did refer to ‘making the beast with two backs’. 

Jack Bishop said: “Dad wouldn’t let me meet up with a female friend until we’d had this talk. Then he started going on about ‘the risks of interior decorating’.

“He went on to say it was time we had a discussion about ‘you know what’. When I asked what he meant he said ‘spearing the bearded clam’. But we live in the Midlands so I’m hardly going to the beach. Maybe he was drunk.

“He mentioned quite a few other random things, including ‘stirring the yogurt’, which was weird because he knows I’m lactose intolerant. I think he might be having a nervous breakdown.”

Asked how the chat went, Martin Bishop said: “Nailed it. I couldn’t have been clearer about the old how’s your father.”