Actual working class family insulted to be called working class

A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.

After a survey found that large numbers of well-heeled people strangely claim to be working class, bricklayer Tom Logan and his family said being described as such would lead to them ‘having words’.

Logan said: “I don’t get why middle class types call themselves working class. Maybe they think it’s trendy. But I was on a building site in the freezing f**king rain yesterday, and it didn’t feel very trendy, just wet.

“If they really were working class they’d say, ‘Who are you calling working class, you patronising wanker?’

“I can’t even see the point in pretending to be a different class if you’re obviously not. I don’t go around calling myself Prince Thomas and referring to my two-bed semi as Romford Castle.” 

Wife Sarah said: “Working class, that’s us. Ketchup with everything. Beer, not wine. Tea brewed for 10 minutes. Always glued to the telly. Repairing our bikes in the living room. 

“No, I’m getting confused, that was an episode of The Royle Family.”

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How to spice up your relationship with your right hand

HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.

Introduce your other hand

If you’ve been together a long time you’ve probably both had thoughts about adding your other hand into the mix. This sounds exciting, but remember – it’s important to have an honest chat with your current hand before opening up the relationship, and the whole experience will probably just feel clumsy and be a massive let down anyway.

Admire other hands together

Take things slow at first, maybe admire the slender digits and curvaceous palms of the hand models in jewellery catalogues. From there you can take it up a gear by gazing at hands in public, and if you’re feeling really adventurous, watch videos online. Stay away from porn sites though, it’s mainly just pneumatic thrusting with minimal hand content.

Indulge in some roleplay

Perhaps your hand could be Thing from The Addams Family and you’re an unsuspecting Morticia who needs help opening a dusty jar of bats’ eyes. One thing leads to another and… well you can picture the rest. Good luck if this doesn’t do it for you because it’s as sexy as disembodied hands are going to get.

Remember your first time together

You two got together for a reason, so stoke the fires by recalling the first time you hooked up. Maybe even recreate the occasion by furtively flicking through FHM, moving a chest of draws in front of the bedroom door so nobody can burst in, and anxiously listening out for your parents coming home.

Have fun outside the bedroom

Create new experiences and get closer to each other by moving the action out of the bedroom. Cosying up in front of the fire is a good place to start, and if you haven’t tried it in the shower then you’re missing out. Maybe avoid the kitchen – it’ll feel okay in the throes of passion but once you’re done the shame will sweep in.