Monday, 8th March 2021

Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

The shock move came as Boris Johnson got bored of the Covid crisis and switched to a policy of encouraging herd immunity by handing out wads of cash to anyone who catches coronavirus. 

Priti Patel, appearing in a National Lottery-style TV advert, said: “It’s Britain’s biggest cash giveaway, and everyone’s invited!

“Catch yourself a dose of Covid and if you survive, the government will award you 500 notes in your hand, tax-free. There’s the light at the end of the tunnel you’ve been waiting for. 

“Not only will this cash stimulate the economy, it’ll take away the stigma of catching Covid. Soon Brits will be pumping their fists and screaming ‘Yes!’ when they test positive. You won’t see that in wimpy Australia. 

“So what are you waiting for? Get out and get infected! The government regrets anyone who has already caught the novel coronavirus within the last 12 months is ineligible for the cash prize.”

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said: “I got fined £800 for holding a party, but I caught Covid so that brings it down to £300. Boris is a legend. I’ll definitely vote Tory again.”