Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

The shock move came as Boris Johnson got bored of the Covid crisis and switched to a policy of encouraging herd immunity by handing out wads of cash to anyone who catches coronavirus. 

Priti Patel, appearing in a National Lottery-style TV advert, said: “It’s Britain’s biggest cash giveaway, and everyone’s invited!

“Catch yourself a dose of Covid and if you survive, the government will award you 500 notes in your hand, tax-free. There’s the light at the end of the tunnel you’ve been waiting for. 

“Not only will this cash stimulate the economy, it’ll take away the stigma of catching Covid. Soon Brits will be pumping their fists and screaming ‘Yes!’ when they test positive. You won’t see that in wimpy Australia. 

“So what are you waiting for? Get out and get infected! The government regrets anyone who has already caught the novel coronavirus within the last 12 months is ineligible for the cash prize.”

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said: “I got fined £800 for holding a party, but I caught Covid so that brings it down to £300. Boris is a legend. I’ll definitely vote Tory again.” 

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Your guide to coping with a partner who's an embarrassing twat

ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.

Dodgy opinions 

Many people with shit opinions aren’t bastards, just a bit thick. But that won’t stop you feeling embarrassed when they keep spouting things like: ‘If you ask me, transgender is just the latest fad. Like rap.’

Solution: Get them to set up a Twitter account and share their thoughts there. After 200,000 people have called them a ‘f**king shithead idiot’, they may be more circumspect.

Terrible taste in music

You may find it hard to genuinely love your partner if they subject you to endless Coldplay or repeat listenings of The Lion King soundtrack that go beyond the limits of human endurance. 

Solution: Introduce them to better music in a similar genre. You’ll get sick of U2 and Les Miserables eventually but anything is better than that Coldplay album. You know, the one nobody can remember the song titles from.

They’re overly ‘matey’ with strangers

Your toes will curl as your partner attempts to establish a fake friendship with some random bloke in a pub, or, if female, a clothes shop assistant with whom she now has a deep bond based entirely on their chromosomes. The words ‘mate’ and ‘I know!’ may feature.

Solution: Surreptitiously change your TV viewing entirely to stilted period dramas, so that they start to believe the only way to interact with strangers is: ‘Good day, sir’ and ‘Most pleasant to meet you. Goodbye.’ 

They are twats to waiters

There’s nothing worse than sitting with someone whinging about a minor problem with the food or service just to have a pathetic power trip over waiting staff.

Solution: There is no solution. Tell them to f**k off and meet someone else who doesn’t moan about a microscopic smear on a butter knife.