Monday, 8th March 2021

How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

Not wearing a tie on Zoom calls

Nothing screams ‘sexy rebel’ louder than a shirt with no tie and the top button undone, so that’s what I opt for in online press conferences. In the evening I put on a Next leather jacket and host a triv quiz for other MPs with my favourite badass rock band playing the background: T’Pau. 

Wild drinking 

At Oxford me and the lads, by which I mean my two house cats, would crack open the White Lightning and go mental. It’s difficult to play Edward Ciderhands with cats because they run off before you can tape the bottles to their paws, but I’d often drink almost a whole glass before being violently sick and missing a lecture the next day.

DIY karaoke

In parliament I’m revered as a party animal, and I’m not going to let Jeremy Hunt steal my street cred, so I’ve hooked up my Nintendo Wii and got back into Just Dance. I can throw some pretty mean shapes to ‘Africa’ by Toto, but annoyingly Theresa May still holds the high score on ‘Dancing Queen’.

Getting high

I’m a bit of a Hunter S Thompson on the quiet. Sometimes I’ll neck an extra large coffee with an extra espresso shot. It’s the ultimate buzz. Why do you think I cried on Good Morning Britain? It wasn’t a woefully ill-judged attempt to be popular, it was because I was on a hideous caffeine comedown.

Looking out of the window and crying

Another way to pass the time in isolation is to stare longingly out of the window with a tear rolling down your face, like Rachel from Friends. I’m not suggesting I ever do that – a badass like The Mattster is more likely to be watching a really terrifying horror film like Annabelle and hardly being scared at all.