Woman unable to leave Lidl without a bag full of crap

A WOMAN who only went into Lidl for a pint of milk has left the store with a patio heater, a fondue set and a faux fur throw.

Office manager Emma Bradford had only been in the store for five minutes when she found herself in the middle aisle looking at random shit she did not need.

She said: “I’m not sure how it happened. One minute I was in the dairy section, the next I was rummaging through decorative cushions I didn’t even know I wanted.

“Then suddenly I convinced myself I really need a set of muffin trays, a multipack of de-icer, three scented candles and a garden hose. I don’t even have a garden.

“If I’m honest with myself the milk was just an excuse to look at the crap. I think I have a problem.”

Retail expert Nikki Hollis said: “Lidl hones in on consumers’ desires they didn’t know they had and offers them up at prices they are powerless to resist, even if it’s something rubbish like a trowel rack.

“That and people are idiots who don’t realise getting something they don’t want at a very reasonable price isn’t a bargain.”

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Everyone back in work thoroughly rested and thoroughly f**ked off

THE UK has returned to work feeling well-rested and well pissed off, it has been confirmed.

Across Britain employees are back after a 12-day break packed with pleasure and relaxation which has provided an excellent contrast with workplace shit.

Nathan Muir of Maidenhead said: “I really feel like myself again after doing nothing but scoffing chocolates and watching telly for a fortnight. Why do I have to come to this horrible place again?

“I’ve spent loads of quality time with family and friends, and now I’m back opposite Rachel, who likes arguing about spreadsheets, and Daryl, who sniffs.

“There’s nothing like a proper break to bring back how unnatural it is to spend five days a week in the company of arseholes doing pointless bullshit. I’m not speaking to any of them until March.”

Colleague Susan Traherne agreed: “Christmas is the new normal. This shithole is deeply offensive to me, and it’s only a two-day week.

“If anyone’s up for an armed revolution against our corporate overlords I’m in. It needs to be soon though, because by Tuesday I’ll be all beaten down again.”